From Life in Sin

Since I was a young boy I was taught to lie from the beginning.  Relatives raised me because my parents were not responsible or capable of caring for me.  But it started of worse than that.  Not much older than 6 months old I was discovered by neighbors crawling in the streets.  Seeing this they grabbed the baby and called the authorities.  From there I was put into the foster home system.  To young to really remember much of what it was like till a car accident jars something inside of me.  You see no one really ever wanted me and this was to continue the rest of my life.  I was moved to several foster homes due to the fact I was more than a handful.  I have always been a little more than anyone has ever wanted to put up with.  I can remember spending time in a locked bathroom at the last foster home I was in.  I can remember being tormented with food, you know teased.  To give you an example one instance that I never remembered since my brain has been jarred.  My aunt brought some cherries to the foster home.  She came by to visit me and bring some cherries.  So she visited and left the fruit with the foster parents.  After she left the two adults who’s names I am not sure if I ever knew, and their two children ate the cherries in front of me tormenting and teasing me as they ate them.  Always asking if I wanted one and put it in my reach and snatched it away as I grabbed for it.  I remember them laughing and prodding me.  I never got one cherry, but that is my destiny not to get what I want.  But praise God; he has given me a purpose.  He in the end finally turned my heart so that I will never do that to anyone.  Mind you not with out lots of challenges along the way.

I was constantly lied to as a child.  My mom and dad always promise to spend some time with me.  Not till I was much older did either of them spend any time with me.  It was to bad that the time they spent with me added to my decaying life.  One of the biggest lies they told me was about what for most of my life was told were birthmarks.  Throughout my life I remember bits of being hit with a broom handle.  I was always told that was my imagination.  Now since my minds been jarred I know it wasn’t.  I now have nightmares that every time I try to stand I am clubbed across the shins to the ground.  I now remember I was terrorized as a small child.  But what I don’t understand is why I was made to believe that this was not the truth.  They made me think I was lying to myself.  I continued lying to myself for most of my life on and off.  Now as I look at the discolored blotches on my shins I know the truth.  I sadly remember those awful toddler years, but it is far better than living in a lie.  I can remember waiting for my mom to show up because she said she would.  She never, not once ever showed up.  I remember the letters my father sent me from prison.  I can still remember the broken promises of how things were going to be when he got out.  I can kind of understand where he was coming from.  You have lots of time to think when you’re in prison.  You see I am in prison, not behind bars, but a prisoner of regret and lies.

When I was close to three is when my grandmother finally got custody of me.  She was a kind-hearted person.  Of all the possible candidates to take on a task of a wild abused toddler, she would have been the last person you would think of.  She was caring for a crippled man, who was angry at what life dealt him.  Before becoming paralyzed on one side by a stroke, he was successful.  He had everything in the world going for him and it was snatched away in one second.  Most of his property was sold to pay hospital bills.  Mind you this was in the late fifties, many years before I was even thought of.  There was no medical insurance, as we know it.  This devastated their lives forever.  Now my grandmother worked at a restaurant to make ends meet.  There was no welfare back then like now.  This was the person how opened her home to me.  No one else wanted me.  Now mind you she did the very best she could.  We were very poor and lived day by day.  I now know how we made it through those bad times.  My grandmother was a woman of faith and God provided for our needs.  My parents made slight patently attempts to try to spend some time with me.  I remember the last time I spend with my mom.  She had remarried to an alcoholic husband who beat me to a pulp.  I forgot about that for years to, I lied to myself that it ever happened.  Maybe it was my mind trying to protect myself I am still not clear on that.  But I can now remember the beating it was on Christmas Eve and I was so excited about Santa coming.  I was so excited that I could sleep.  Bill was his name.  I haven’t remembered his name till the accident but ill never forget it.  He was the father to my half brother whom for some reason I never developed a relationship with.  I think I was jealous that he had parents.  Now as I remember what his father did to me, I pray for him.  I cannot imagine the horrors he went through.  Last I saw he was doing ok and had the Lord in his life.  I will pray for his peace.  Bill now warned me to go to sleep.  I remember trying to go to sleep but I just could.  He got his belt and started spanking me and I can remember crying.  I remember my mom trying to stop him.  Bill punched her in the head and told her to stay out of it.  I can now hear her crying as he started slapping me because I would not stop crying.  The next morning we drove from Seattle back to Spokane.  It was Christmas morning and they brought back a bruised child.  I can remember Bill telling me to tell them I fell down the stair or he would come back and give it to me worse.  I never told anyone the truth.  I think I believed he would have come back. 

Now this is one of the finer moments in my life.  I remember my crippled grandfather not buying the stair story and went after Bill with his crotch.  That old man chased him right out of the house and told him if he ever came back he would call the police.  The one thing I have to say about my grandfather is that he tried.  Him and me went round and round many times.  But I now know I had a soft spot in his heart.  I can remember many special moments in love that he showed me.  Unfortunately it wasn’t till after the accident that I remember all of this.  I look back and my grandmother and grandfather has been the only unconditional love I have ever known.  I was about eight or nine when all this happened and I only saw my mom on a couple of occasions till after I got out of high school.  Then on two occasions I saw her for two, two-week periods.  Once when I graduated high school, and once when my separated wife and me stopped in during our journey.  Now my moms always been a drinker but I never realized it till the last time I spent a couple of weeks with her.  I remember how she wanted my wife and me gone and away.  That was the last time I saw her, and that’s been about ten years now. 

Now my father is way to long of a story to get into so ill sum it up.  He was a liar and cheat, he would have a wife and a girlfriend.  He was a gambler with no morals, who went on to make a lot of money because of no morals.  After high school I went to California where he was financially thriving.  I went there on a promise of college and a place to stay.  I started working part-time for him selling some stuff on the phone, which we won’t talk about right now.  As it turns out I was a natural salesman, I was out selling his seasoned and experienced salesmen.  I made him so much money that he never let me go to college because I was to valuable to him.  Soon I quit and went to college, I didn’t talk to him for years.  I did ok; I had a friend who I spent many years with.  Here is a harsh fact that I now realize.  She loved me but I never loved her.  Now I had love for her but I really was never in love with her.  I caused her to try to find love, I don’t know if she ever did but I pray she did.  Life is ironic; I think the same thing happened in my marriage.  I was in love with my wife, but she was never in love with me.  Now mind you she had love for me, how could you not after spending years with someone?  And even more complicating I have two children who I love so much.  Now it’s not all her fault that she could not be in love with me.  We started off real good and I messed up I went back to my old self and caused her pain beyond compare.  Mind you she is a beautiful person and she has my heart till I die.  I do pray God has mercy on my soul, I don’t know how much more I can take.  I am in counseling trying to deal with all these issues.  She has had her life of pain and lies as terrible as mine if not worse.  I pray to God that he gives me the strength so I can tolerate being around my kids.  You see when I am with them my soul cries in regret for the life I have made.  I built a relationship unfulfilling to her, I will get into that a little more in bit.  Now as bad as all of this is sounding the power of God was hard at work here.  How God can take this mess and make a purpose out of it is a miracle in itself.  God has shown me so many miracles in my life, but I refused to see them.  I was too selfish and self-centered to see them for what they were.  Praise God that he has finally reached me.  I am aware now of His awesome power, it brings me to my knees when I think of it.

I took an interest in plastics, it turns out that I could manipulate formulas that no ever thought of before.  It is to bad I did not use it for the good of humanity.  I used these talents to decay society.  I was inducted in to the society of plastic engineers in 1989 and was considered one of the best formulators until 1995 when I met my soul mate my wife.  That is when God first came into my body.  I can remember the feeling to this day.  It was through my wife, who by the way is struggling with acceptance of God.  But God is so in her is silly.  When I met her at 7-11 I fell in love the moment I looked into her eyes and it has grown ever since.  In the beginning I showed her true love and she was happy.  But a few years into it I let my heart go back to its old self again.  Then the love we built slowly decayed as time went on.  I am consumed with regret and the prison of emptiness.  You see not a minute goes by that I think of my family.  Not a minute goes by that I don’t miss them so much.  But thanks to God I have hope after this life.  I will live up to my promises and not let greed make my decisions.  You see for so long I was trusting God for things that I forgot to trust in Him in things.  I lost sight of what really important and now I am paying the ultimate price.  A price that is just, I deserve everything that is happening.  Through all of this mess, I have finally truly given God my sins, and because of Gods grace I am forgiven through the blood of Jesus Christ.  All these sins I have carried even my parents and everyone else’s that I ever have known.  I have hung on to these for so long I find myself lost with out them.  The wait of the world is finally gone, but now that I am in reality everything that means anything in this world is gone.  I am alone in this world now.

One of the biggest lies I have lived with was my grandfather’s death.  I carried guilt about his death for along time.  You see because of his stoke, sometimes he didn’t think clear, he would go off.  After my accident I now so understand what he went through.   My heart goes out to him and my grandmother.  I was about twelve or thirteen when this happened.  My grandfather and grandmother got into a big argument.  My grandfather stormed out all bent out of shape.  He drove off in angry and ended up wrapping the car around a tree.  Knowing now what I know I did not understand the gravity of what was going on.  My grandfather and me used to fight over who got to watch what on the T.V.  He was older and bigger so he won almost all of the time.  So when he ended up in the hospital I was happy.  Little did I know the next time I would see him would be in a casket.  I got to watch what ever I wanted I thought I was happy.  I remember my grandmother crying, and everyone coming to the house.  I never really understood till I saw him dead.  I remember crying in my room for years about how I was happy.  That would be the last time I cried till after the accident.  You see when I got in my wreck it damaged some parts of the brain.  It has opened uncontrollably my emotional receptors, which I never knew I even had.  Since they have been opened I remember things I never were there.  When I stopped crying I stopped caring I think.  I went many years with out caring about anyone.  That all changed at a 7-11 of all places.  To this day seeing my grandfather in that casket, and my selfishness that carried on for so many years.  I find myself consumed with shame and regret.  I wanted so much for it to be me in that casket not him.  I guess I never felt worthy to live.  Praise God that I am so worthy to Him; He has a purpose for me.  I have no clue what it is, but at least I am aware of it now.

I want to take this chance to explain how important it is to plant the seeds of Christ.  I went to public school till third grade when they kicked me out.  I was to uncontrollable for them to handle.  I was wild and rebellious.  I had no respect for authority and was a liar.  If I remember their suggestion was a reform school.  But my grandmother and Her walk with Jesus had a better solution, a Catholic School.  Now mind you this is at a time when they could still beat you.  And beat me they did, but I needed it.  I have to give them credit they never gave up on me.  I made it through.  Now in the beginning I did poor due to my willingness to try.  With the proper motivation they finally got me to try and when I did I liked it.  It took several years before I finally got into it, but I became an honor student.  I played sports, was on the debate team.  I even took state at debate finals my senior year.  As I reflect back I guess I am still hurting.  All of the baseball and basketball games all of my football games and debate matches.  I did very well at something’s, but no one was ever there to see.  When I would talk about it to my family they would assume I was lying.  So growing up because of my dad, and me being so wild and uncontrollable.  No one ever trusted in me.  I had developed such a wall that no one could.  It became my defense mechanism.  So through discipline and Gods will I started changing.  I became kind and considerate.  I tried to help others for some reason.  I was somebody people could depend on.  But because of my wall, I could never count on anyone.  There was always that sense of distrust.  I was an alter boy, I went through all the customary catholic rituals.  I never accepted Christ as my personal savior.  My wall prevented me from reaching out to Christ.  Praise God like the nuns, He never gave up hope on me.  So after ten years of Catholic brain washing I was off to the big city.  I broke my grandmothers heart when I left.  It was not three days after graduation I was on my way to Los Angeles.  But the key thing is the seed that was planted.  It took fifteen years for it to come out.  Come out it did, at a 7-11 through the most beautiful person I have ever known my wife. 

Let me tell you about how this all came about.  I had a friend Frank who owned and managed a struggling 7-11.  He would help me poor plastics, and I would help him stock his store, and cover when needed.  One night this girl, my wife walks in, I took one look in her eyes and my heart softened.  It was weird, I for the first time, knew that there was a God.  For the first time in my life I wanted a change.  Come to find out so did she.  Perhaps we had different things in mind, we both wanted something different that what we had.  So in a very short time I traded my vet for a motor home, I gave up my house with a swimming pool.  Stored a few belongings in a storage shed thinking we will need these things.  Off we went, we had no clue where we were really going.  Our plan was to head east.  Her plan was to ditch me when she caught up with her friend.  I think about it now and it was all really strange.  We ended up in Golden Valley Arizona, which we were on our way to visit.  Our motor home broke down and hundred plus miles from there.  It was towed to there, where we got burnt and taken advantage by a mechanic.  I think we were there like a month.  Everyone we met our age was a meth user; thank God we never got that addiction.  That world is a trip in its self; there is a whole chapter in the book about what I saw and my encounters with the white devil meth.  Our time spent in Arizona developed a close relationship with my wives grandparents.  Her grandparents were so good to us.  We both learned a lot from the whole experience.  So after a month our motor home was finally ready to go.  My wife and I called the motor home Bertha; we decided it was a woman.  She started when she wanted to; she stopped when she wanted to.  We were going up on a day trip to Mt. Baldy in southern California and Bertha starts sliding backwards on a iced road almost sliding over a cliff.  I can still remember sliding backwards towards the cliff and everyone jumping out of the motor home.  Butchy and me my loyal dog stayed on the ship.  We were going down with it.  It stopped short of the cliff.  When around the corner came a Toyota truck seeing us he slammed on his breaks sliding into the front of our motor home, hitting the radiator.  So the motor home got just a little closer to the cliff.  One of the big snow cats pulled us up to the top.  That was a ride to, it almost slid over another cliff.  I look back now and I Know God protected me.  By all accounts that RV should have went over the cliff two different times.

Now off we are heading north because I wanted to see my grandmother before we headed east.  Well we made it to Spokane the only place I knew I did not want to live.  So many bad things happened to me there.  We got to Spokane with only a couple of dollars to our name.  There in the last place in the world I ever wanted to be we were stranded again.  We stayed in our RV for months before being kicked out of yet another driveway.  We were told we made it a RV park.  Not by my grandmother but by everyone else.  By this time we had jobs and thanks to my penny pinching ways even though money was stolen from us.  My wife and myself got a place.  We were so happy we cuddled in bed and watched TV, we played games we were falling in love.  My wife got pregnant with Alexis my first wonder.  Now we were struggling but God took care of our needs I was just to stupid to realize it.  We even needed a car and prayed about it and someone gave us a car.  From that lesson I have given two cars away and plan on giving more if I should live long enough.  Through all of the miracles God did in our lives, I turned my back on God.  My intentions were good, but very stupid.  During our struggles my conniving dad put many carrots in front of us.  An illusion of wanting to help us: make it through the hard times.  In his own, demented way it was I think.  There were other motives on his mind, and I knew how he was but I went forward anyway.  I talked it over with my wife but my life has been so full of sin and lies she had no idea of the realm of what I was doing.  So I did odd jobs making some extra money.  He had a nice house in a nice area.  So we were going to clean it up for him make a little money.  My wife fell in love with this house.  My dad caught wind of this love for the house.  He made us a deal we had to take.  Soon the deal changed and for us to stay in this new lifestyle I found myself working for him again.  God had been so good to my wife and I.  Never the less I did.  I corrupted several cities with his filth.  I lost all respect from my wife, and all the time my soul new what was going on.  I hung on to that guilt too.  Well God touched my heart again and I in time quit polluting the minds of humanity.  But I should have just walked when I knew.  When the one person who I have ever loved saw it for what it was became consumed by its filth.  My greed hardened my heart.  I closed God off again with my wall.  I created a wall in my wives heart that never came down.  In the end it all came crashing down.

Now somehow I was aware of the guilt that was going on.  I tried so hard to make up for it.  I volunteered I gave my time to everything and anything.  I was trying to earn forgiveness.  I learned the most valuable lesson in my life.  You cannot earn forgiveness.  Only by the grace of God through the blood of Jesus Christ can you have it.  Now the funny thing is, it is free.  I gave up everything that meant anything to get it.  In the end when I lost everything, I realized what I had.  Life is funny sometimes; it truly is what you make it.  I have no clue where I am going, or what is going to happen.  For the first time my soul is free from my sins.  Now I am not going to tell you I don’t sin, I sin constantly everyone dose.  But through the power of God my life is going to make a difference.  This time not for me: but for God and my family.  I figure that this lie called life I have been living.  I have something to offer to the world.  But only with Christ can I do it.  Now when I first had Christ come into my heart, I had no clue.  With in a year I was training to be a pastor.  This is another one of those miracles that happened.  Like always though I had it all wrong, I lied to myself I was to be a leader of men.  I spent many years trying to be this leader of men.  I was fighting the will of God, straining my marriage, losing myself along the way.  This went on for three or four years, fighting with my old self because I couldn’t figure out me.  In the end I now know the wonderful truth I am to be a servant of man.  Now for the first time I feel good about me.  I now know where this burning desire to serve comes from.  As I look to the future I hope to balance things for the first time in my life.  I have only been aware of this for a short time and it took another miracle of God for it to happen.

Here I was living my lie.  I get up one morning like any other morning with the exception of my seven-year-old niece staying with us.  Like all busy households we were scrambling to get out the door.  The kids were going to one of my dear friends house.  They were all going to cattails: a wild life park thingy”.  Well we pull out to the road going to the highway.  I live on an old family farm settled my family, passed down by my grandmother from her husband’s side.  Now this is a story in its self, lots of funny stories in the book about the Old Italian bootleggers.  So anyway were rolling down the road when I notice a driverless car coming at us.  It was like in slow motion I saw the car swerve into our lane and amazingly was able to get out of a head on.  I know that God was with me there now, and I praise Him so much for saving my babies.  If we would have hit head on they would have really hurt or killed.  As I am stirring onto the field I can remember thinking I am going to tip if I am not careful.  With a crash I will never forget and the echoes of the girls screaming in the back seat.  That red mini van set sail and rolled to its side in the soft dirt.  I want to mention this soft dirt.  I do not for a minute believe that God causes bad things, but I now know He uses them for His purpose.  We were in one of the driest years ever.  That night before the crash it rained a lot.  I remember the news saying what a pleasant surprise the rain was.  I believe God made it rain to protect me or the girls, or maybe even the man who hit us.  I know now I do not know Gods plan as much as we like to think we do.  I can share this with you, His plan will be perfect, you will be content, and your needs will be meant.  If you trust in Him its usually not the easiest path.  Each one of us needs to look in our hearts, and know if the path is right.  Do not spend too much time thinking about it, you need to live.  That is one of the things I regret most is I spent the last few years with my wife dieing, and not living and showing the true me that worshiped her to the bone.  But you see my wall was up I hid the real me, and I will never know for sure if she would have like the real me.

As soon as the van stopped rolling, I knew to get everyone out of the van, I could smell the gas and the girls were frightened.  In my nightmares I hear those screams playing background music as I reflect on all the mistakes I have made and the lie of a life I have lived.  So I get myself unbuckled, then the girls.  The side of the van door was crushed in I could not keep it opened.  When all of a sudden a Good Samaritan comes along and helps me get the girls out of the crushed van.  I pull my self out of the side of the crushed van to see no one there.  I ask the girls where the man went they told me he winked and vanished.  I hear a voice are you all right, from a car to the side of the road; she said I have 911 coming.  I asked her where the man went and she said I saw the whole thing there was no man here.  I have the girl’s testimony in the book, I know there were angels that day, I don’t know why, I never saw them but both girls did.  When I think of it shivers run down my spine.  I seemed ok, the girls seemed ok, but how wrong I was.  I am not totally sure what happened, but best I can think off is my head got slightly squeezed in the wreck.  When my wife and me went to the wrecking yard I told her look, it’s a handprint.  It looked like five fingers that kept the roof of the van from caving in my head.  Now as I look at it I think those were fingers, but they ever so gently changed my processing.  I went to the doctor, I had whiplash, a pulled rotator cuff, sore back, bruised leg but felt lucky.  I was lucky my babies were safe, I was alive, I even went to work that day.  I had the burning desire to go to the church.  I know now it was God calling, I just was not listening. 

Now with in a couple of days, my head hurt, my hearing became supernatural I could hear things that no one else could, kind of like a dog.  My eyesight went, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t type my long and short-term memory were gone.  You know what through all of this I still thought I was ok, who knew.  I went to doctors and neurologists I thought I was getting all the right help, so did my wife.  I was so wrong, turns out instead of working on my brain injury they overlooked that, I ended up in marriage counseling and so did my poor wife, I was foggy and out of my mind for months, and I put myself and everyone else through hell.  I feel the most for my kids, I broke up their family, and every time I see or talk to them guilt rushes through my body like heroin through a junkie’s vein.  I am working on these issues with a counselor now, he is a kind wonderful man who has helped me so much understand that this is how it is.  It was not my fault I got hit, it was no ones fault, maybe the man sleeping or what ever he was doing.  But it just happened, that’s it.  I spend close to six months in a fog, having the fog lifting several time to find reality so harsh that I went nuts and back into the fog. 

Now mind you I have only been to the doctors on a few occasions to this point, and something was broken or blood was gushing from my body.  I have seen more doctors in the last six months over a hundred appointments now.  They had me on a anti-depressant prosaic and I thought it was like an antibiotic or something and when they were gone I was done.  I don’t know what I was thinking, I knew better.  I work with the developmentally disabled and many of the people I serve use this same drug.  Maybe it was my fog; maybe it was the will of God I do not know.  I went on a ski trip with my brother in law; it was quite the trip for him I tell you.  I became suicidal because of the chemical imbalance and the whole time skiing I was on a death wish.  Here is another funny thing almost from the beginning I fell and re injured my rotator cuff, I think that was God again.  He was protecting me; he slowed my body down just enough.  It was insane, the worst place emotionally I have ever been.  Well when we got back my chemical change was driving me crazy, I had a plan and was ready to do myself in.  Before I tell you what happened I want to share some of the problems from the injury. 

I feel fortunate even though it is quit weird.  The part of my brain that’s affected I am never hungry and rarely tired.  I take a pill to sleep three to four hours before wanting to go to sleep.  I wake up all through the night in sweets and tears; I praise God I don’t remember what I was dreaming about.  Before the sleeping pills I was having dreams that could have only come from the devil they were so harsh and vivid.  I get these shacks like I am cold and start shaking for a minute of two but they don’t want to call them seizures before I take another test that I can now not afford.  I am ok with that though, I have this freedom even though I am so alone from the loss of my family.  God has lifted me, and I am going to do His will even though I have no idea what that means yet.  I have this constant headache, which goes from a five on good days to a nine on bad ones, the bad ones I become so impatient.  I find myself not feeling worth anything when I get like that, I know that’s the devil talking, so I fight those hard words.  I feel my eardrum and my eyesight changes all the time, from 20/10 to 20/50.  I am now out of the fog, praises to God but the reality I created is so harsh.  It is going on a month here soon, and I am piecing things together.  At first I thought it was this six-month puzzle, but now I now it is a life long puzzle.  Imagine after all these years of hanging on to all of this I can finally put it together.  Here is the funny thing, when I finally came out of the fog from my six months of confusion.  I woke up to a lifetime of confusion.  I was living such a lie.  I put my family through so much unnecessary difficult times for no reason.  I was running myself raged trying to find the answers that were there the whole time.  And now as I am finally free in my spirit, my heart is trapped, my body don’t care.  But for the first time my eyes and heart are right.  All I have is what I have to give and that is everything.  It was another sad day when that found me.  My wife and me were fighting over things.  I am sure I started it.  I was so nutty there for a while.  It still scares me.  Every morning I wake up and go to the mirror to see if I am there.  I am so afraid of going back into the fog.  We did not trust each other, more me than her.  She was scared, here is this nut being all crazy going through this spiritual and emotional roller coaster.  But to make a long story short I did not communicate well, I couldn’t.  She had no clue where I was coming from and I wasn’t sure.  So I said this and that, she had no clue what was in my heart; hell I did not have a clue.  I was confused and scared.  I put her through years of blah and this was more than enough.  This was her ticket out.  Now that I see the bigger picture I don’t blame her.  She has always been so much smarter than me, she saw this coming, I was clueless.  I was in my fog of lies I called life.  I praise God for her courage and strength to protect my babies.  She took every bit of debt we have accumulated put it in a loan and left a couple of weeks after it was finalized.  I know in my heart that was the right thing to do she has two beautiful kids to think of.  I most certainly was not thinking so by the grace of God she was up for the challenge.  But the last maneuver I pulled closing our account God touched me in such a way I will never hold things above people again.  Thank you Jesus.  He came to my heart and opened the eyes to my soul and I stopped the greed.  I stopped the UN giving heart I was fighting with, letting the real person who loves my family and friends out.  I know now to put trust in God for things not stuff.  He made me realize in shame how I was being and it still kills me inside. 

Now back to the plan, I was so ready to die.  I had my plastic beg I had the mindset to do it.  Weather or not I would have done it I will never know.  My wife was so scared it was the final straw, she never trusted me from then on.  That might quit have been the most selfish thought I have ever had.  Taking me away from them, they did not want me to go it was me who wanted to go.  I was so tired of hurting everyone, as each passing day it got worse and worse.  It was killing her as well as me.  But for the only time since the wreck I fell asleep with out pills.  I have not slept with out pills before or since.  This was God again saving me from another lie.  I thought no one wanted me around, when in fact it was me.  Although I had a normal reaction from a sudden chemical change I take responsibility.  I am finally taking responsibility for me.  You see we all choose what we do in life.  And now that my heart is open I see so clear.  Even though I don’t know what’s going to happen I am so filled with hope.  I know now my treasures are not of worldly things, and even though I might not get my family on earth I have heaven and all of eternity to be with them.  My body has several rare and peculiar things going on.  I now can love myself because I have a greater love.  I have God and my family who I know I really love.  Although I cannot physically touch them, my soul is connected now.   I am franticly finishing this book so I can share it.  For some reason God wants me to finish it.  I have no illusion it is for me, it is probably for one person who I don’t even know.  Maybe there is a chance I can save that person from making the same mistakes I did.  I find myself changing many things in the book.  I was so inaccurate in many things.  I know there are going to be many who hate me for the book and the things I have done.  I pray that people can forgive me.  It has taken decades for me to find forgiveness.  Not that God wouldn’t forgive me, I finally gave it to Him after all these years.  And the funny thing is most of the things I should have never felt any guilt about.  They were things I could not change, but I could have gave them up.  Now, here as I sit: with my newfound freedom.  I fight to keep my body alive now, but that’s ok I get such satisfaction in giving now.  Now that I now I am a servant to my family and man.  And now that I truly understand that sometimes things are what they are.  I walk with my head held high.  I have turned my family away over the years and when I snapped they snapped.  But now I know that God, in the end if I keep my heart true to what he has called me to do.  Which as you can imagine is going to be difficult since I don’t seem to take simple clues.  In the end I will make God proud and in turn I will make my family proud. 

I want to warn you all, this book is sick.  It is so sick that I have never let anyone read it.  Not even my wife I am so ashamed.  But for the first time I am going to share with the world a life brought up in sex for sale.  A world: where money is power.  A world: where perversion and things most people don’t even know exist.  A world: that is a lie and the path to hell.  A world thank God for the grace through the blood of Jesus Christ I can be forgiven, I can finally be worth it to God.  We are all so worth it to God it is us who wont let ourselves be.  I am going to be the man God has intended me to be.  I am going to proclaim His name above all names, Lord of Lords.  My precious Jesus who loved me so much, He went through a thousand fold of what I am going through.  I miss my wife and kids so much, and I am so confused by what God wants in their lives that I can only pray.  I must stay out of their way and pray for God to do his will.  I now know that only through His will can we all find happiness what ever that may look like.  He has put it in my heart if I love my wife I will set her free.  And she so deserves it.  As awful as my life sounds her life was just as screwed up.  Just as unfair, only in the opposite extremes, the do say opposites attract.  I pray for her happiness, I pray for peace for her.  Most of all I pray that God will give me the strength to keep doing what is right, and he shows me the direction I must go.  I now truly love thanks to God, I don’t love because I have too anymore I love because I want to.  I wish peace for every troubled soul.  I pray most for my wife’s soul, and mine so that we may meet in heaven where we both understand what happened.  In that one name Jesus, Amen.

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