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Though through my own actions, is why my heart is waiting. You see I had a stroke like brain disability. For many months my normal mental abilities were malfunctioning. Similar to Aphasia http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/voice/aphasia.asp not that this is an excuse to abandon everyone, and turn their lives upside down. But that’s exactly what happened from my brains tail spine. Though I had no control of any of my actions, by the time it was all figured out everything was gone. It all starts about a month after the injury occurred. Everyone adapted to the new bizarre me. So when my first mental excess occurred everyone believe that was me. Inside I knew it was not me and I thought everyone who knew me, knew that as well. But they so accepted the injured me I was and should have been held accountable for every word that came out of my mouth. They were hurtful, and from the devils mouth himself Even though it was me who through everyone out, I never meant it. I have been waiting for them to realize that for what seems like forever. Until know I never knew the connection my heart truly had with everyone. The saying goes you don’t realize what you had until you lose it. I so realize what I had, and it consumes me. My injury has been a rollercoaster, oh how I wish I knew how to deal with what was going on inside of me. By the time I figured it out it was to late. My mind keeps pressing the envelop for what reason I do not know. It sure did not help that for the first several months I went along as nothing was wrong. What was truly wrong though was I did not have Jesus in my life. Though by all appearances it might have looked like that, it was not till many months after my injury did I let Him back in and give all my bourdons onto Him. Some people may say my writing are morbid and destructive. Maybe so, if I seem destined that is because I am. My purpose is to have Christ shine through my actions. It is so hard being strong for people, when inside I am frightened. But amazingly Christ gives me the strength to present His love as I should have all those years. I know find myself fighting for survival, I have been in a spiritual battle for months, and the devil has stripped everything away that was important to me. And through my stupidity, my words, my mouth I destroyed my life and everything that was important. If I would have had Christ present when my injury occurred I would have made it through. But because I did not have His gracing power in my life I destroyed it all. I have been waiting to be understood and forgiven. One of the biggest problems when you look at me I appear ok. But I am injured and by eliminated my support system I have made it worse. I have always had a problem communicating what I want. Mainly because I was struggling before the injury trying to figure it out. I have put such a scare on my own family they went into protective mode. They could not understand what was going on inside of me. So they got aggressive in defending them self. As I look at it now, that was the safest bet. I have looked at it from the other side and many times thought I would have dealt with it better, been more supportive, but I do not know anymore. I just lost the connection with God, and He was the connection that made my beautiful family. So when I started becoming more aware of what is real, my walk with out Christ I did so much damage, I made so many mistakes, with the devils promise of worldly things. I was preparing the groundwork to this disaster. Do not lose sight of Christ, if you do, you to will be waiting. And their not coming back, ever because of me. Just because you regain your connection, in doing so you lose the connection that were not of God. And sadly to say that was everything for me. Now that I am aware of Gods power, I see where I went astray, and it was not that long ago 3-4 years but an eternity now. It is so important you build everything with God, friends in the end that’s all you have. So if you built everything with out God. You will be left empty and alone. I can share with you now the great hope we have in Christ. The power is awesome, open your hearts to His will. His plan is perfect, so if it is not feeling right inside, go to Him in prayer. Make your decisions based on what he would want. The famous WWJD what would Jesus do. If you learn anything from all of my emotional writings I pray you learn that. Everything you do should be with Jesus in mind. Once you lose site of that, everything that you built with Him will be lost. Friends he is the super glue that holds it all together. I would like for a minute for you to think of the most terrible thing that ever happened in your life. Think about that for a minute………………..
Now if you had the power to avoid it would you. Of course we all would. Here comes the amazing love of God. He went through the most horrible betrayal known to man. He came from heaven to pay our price so that we may have eternity with God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He so loves us he sacrificed Himself willingly and knowingly. He did it even though we are not worthy. Now as we come toward this Easter, I understand His perfect love a little better. I can articulate clearer to people, what grace is. I find myself getting excited about Christ and people feeding off of it. These are the only moment of happiness I have now. Happiness and peace through Christ our kind. When I think of the power it took to save my soul, I bow down in aw that He loves me that much. Now everything that was not built with Him, think that I am this whacked out Jesus freak, maybe so. I belong to Him always have I just needed to submit everything to Him. I have finally submitted, at the cost of everything. Only through Christ could this miracle happen. I do not proclaim to understand Gods plan. I thought I used to know, as I become stronger in Jesus I realize I am not capable of understanding. So as I take each day one by one, my heart still waits, but in vain. I have received my just rewards based on my walk with Christ. My life is the way it is, because of what I have built with out God. It took a miracle to make me really understand and truly be sorry for what I have done. Now as I look around I am more sorry for what I have done in the lives of those who loved me. Through I was powerless to be any different, I am still to blame. I hold no anger toward anyone, just my apologies for losing my way for so long. And no one deserves what they have went through because of me. It was not your price, it was my price and I took everyone down with me. God had such a better plan for me, but like always in my life I thought I knew best. Maybe I will never learn, I am clueless. I hope you readers take this serious, keep Jesus in your heart, always depend on Him, He will never let you down. It is when you stop depending on Him that everything will fall apart. Do not let the things of this world control you, in the end nothing of this world means anything except the relationships you build with God. Those are forever, and everything of this world can be gone in a wink of the eye. Jesus teaches to be prepared, listen to His message. When He returns it will be in the same way, a wink of an eye. And if you have not accepted Him as your personal savior all will be lost. And when we lose hope of tomorrow we lose everything. And thanks to Gods grace that’s all I have now is the hope of a better tomorrow. In reality that is all I really ever had. It is just so unfortunate I lost sight of that. And to all those I have let down know that I am sorrier that any human could be. And from the bottom of my heart this is not how I wanted it to be. I will never lose sight of God again. He is the way and the truth. As my heart waits for a plane that is not coming, I accept the responsibility that because of my rebellion to God, that the price He set out for me is just and due. I am to try to help people understand His truths, and only His. I pray for guidance and direction in all the paths, and peace for those who I have let down. And as this Easter comes and goes, I now understand a little about the great sacrifice He endured for you and me, who are so unworthy of such love and grace. That through His precious life and blood, are we worthy to be the children of God. And to know that the only thing that could have healed me I through away. All because I lost God along the way. Thank you Lord for reaching into my ocean of sin and pulling me out. Teaching me what love and sacrifice truly are. And the forgiveness for not following the paths set before me and the chance to walk with you again. You magnificent power we stand in aw, and the love you have for us that we may never comprehend. And by your will Lord shall our live effect one another, in love just like you showed us. Through that one name, the most beautiful name ever heard. Jesus Christ my savior.
God Bless everyone |
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