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Hello, Lord, I am so ashamed my bad out ways my good, please forgive my sins. This is my side of my lives story, now mind you there are 2 sides to every story. I am sharing this with everyone in hopes that you will look to God for instruction always and in all things. When He blessed me with abundance I was blinded by the world. What I am about to share will probably be used against me in court. But that’s ok if I can keep one person focused on God in their lives so they to do not have to go through this. A pain so deep, so real, so just.
First for those who don’t know in August 2005 I was hit by a negligent driver. I managed to avoid a head on saving the children’s lives which I thank God every second of everyday. But the van rolled and I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury, which went on diagnosed for months. I was a mad man and people got used to it. They accepted that as me right away, what is up with that. But my wife who works in hospital knew, so she says. I had memory loss, attention problems, sleeping disorder, no appetite, the shakes, mood swings, constant pounding headaches, vision loss, hearing abnormalities and over all confusion and not in touch with reality. By the time I started waking up everything was lost, it happened so quick. I still can not believe it. I still tried to work and keep things together, I tried to be responsible. Saw more doctors than you can imagine. About a month into my injury I had my first cycle, that's where my negative thoughts take over, and this happened at a comedy club, I was trying to take my wife out for some fun, I neglected her in that area so I was trying i just couldnt figure out what needed fixing I was trying everything, but the drink, and the loud noise caused some kind of reaction in my mind, I could not think, I was dizzy I felt terrible, I am not sure I even knew who I was that night, and now one noticed. Now my sister and wife and good friend were both there they wanted to go party some more. So they left me out of my mind down town alone. My sisters influence was harsh on my feelings. I managed to get home, I couldn’t sleep and they stayed out all night, I got worried at first then I got mad, then I just went crazy. My wife later told me well if you would have taken me out a little more maybe she might have cared. By the time we talked the next morning I was in a bad state of confusion, I told her it was over, I told my sister I don’t want her to be part of me. I was having a cycle no one ever could understand, if they would have cared they would have came to find out, did they not Know me better than this, I don't usually wig out like the rest of my family, get over it. They held me totally responsible. My wife lost all trust from that point on and it only got worse. She knew I was sick, but my duties got busier, I was paying bills, keeping our property up acres, cooking, cleaning doing everything I could. She did know that wasn't me, 10 years and I pull that and she walks in her mind and never let me back in. I felt so bad I wanted to die for her. she never let me back in. I so wanted back in. She was my soul mate, not many even get to meet theirs and I got 10 years that were the best of my life. But the worse of hers more bad than good, I guess I was a joke, she is having a good time getting revenge for what ever I have done, she has done everything but one thing now. Losing the stuff don't mater. I never knew she could attract me like that, I have took not on cent. Even the injury money will go into the mess. I feel she should help through my continued recover, since the healing process it slowed by the power plays. Like I say I talked allot of smack. I am ok with that if it makes her feel good. God will provide for my needs, I saw it once I know the path I am talking, but I screwed it all up, she was suppose to go to. We were so close to her accepting God, And I turned from him at the right moment. That moment of sincere regret The moments were evil like the ring I can believe how stupid I was on that one it did mean something know that was the field and devil, that is just crazy. I don't know Gods plan I hope there is hope. I am so running out of hope in this world, maybe that is my destiny as a pastor, I don't know I would have never took any thing over my wife, she could work me but for got how. over my wife, to bad I was the only happier than sad, Should of been better I was closed to that, but in order for us or me we have to start from before the accident that's where I could be and I have learned so much, you don't even remember through all that hate, I had allot more good than bad. I ask you one favor and then no more, go into your heart and trust this last awful thing is the injury, ouch I should have quit right then we knew it wasn't worth it. I so much wanted to get you through school, hold the fort down, have time with my best little bud in the world. Me and daughter are close wither you like it or not. My be you can take me out of her life. I will not do supervised visited, you know I do not deserve that and I can not face my children in such a matter. t. I am welcome to visit places where the people only know one side of the story that it is all me I wanted out of this marriage it was only you who wanted out. SHE DID FROM THE FIRST TIME, WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE, OH BUT I MIGHT MISS YOU. WHEN I SNAPPED SHE SNAPPED BUT SHE GOT VICIOUS I DID NOT CAUSE ONE PROBLEM FOR HER, OH I COULD HAVE AND GOOD, BUT GUESS WHAT GOD gave me the strength to not. I did not do one thing. Not one. Maybe i communicate a little to much with my 8 who is shart as a young team and my best bud and mom is jealous of that. I NEVER WANTED OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE, I WANTED BACK my cycles only lasted a couple of hours if handled correctly by family. She did the opposite, my first month of my recover what had a social host not that I do not love her family. But we were dealing with something here, So when her family came she consumed her time with her, and went to my sisters, where she know i was having some psychosocial issues with this situation. A situation which could have been fixed.
Now mind you, here I am with a serious injury and my wife goes to everyone we know as the victim. No one even considered anything about me, and that has hurt me from the inside out. I really thought these people cared about me. I was so wrong. When I needed everyone the most, they wanted a injured person to make all the effort. That just happens to be one of the symptoms, isolation, your suppose to reassure people in this state. My wife made it clear I don’t want you to think its alright. Don’t worry its not, I am broken. So my recovery has been very slow, I am now on disability, having to bankrupt my wife and myself, I am not able to function for more than a couple of hours. Every time I started getting better my wife would do something. Mind you I deserved it I was talking a lot of garbage, these new emotions I am dealing with get away from me sometime. I watch the kids during may trips I love my kids but little kids cause some of the worst cycling symptoms . The only times i had problems when she would not committ to me I was commite to her i would have been there till the end if the tables were turnd
No my wife has taken every bad moment I have had and put it together to keep my kids and me apart in court. I had made some mistakes, I tried so hard to get out of their way, I was willing to give her everything and go in the peace corps, and be happy with it. But she wouldn’t let me go. She wanted to hurt me some more, I tell you what ever I did to her I am so sorry even through everything, I still pray for peace for her, I love her, and I still cant believe she left me sick, scared, alone cofused trying as hard as i could to fix what eve this is, she could not hang on, she took every out rageand turned everyone against me playing the victim.
No mind you I was far from perfect, trying to earn my grace and wife back, thinking I had to be more than I really needed to be. I exaggerated a lot, and after my accident that got accentuated, I have her list of why not to love me, and it so kills me. I am very ashamed. So my wife knew she was leaving then, she planed and schemed. She took every bit of debt we occurred in our entire relationship put it in a loan having me sign it knowing I was not all there. Shortly after the loan went through she left me, knowing I would go crazy, she already tried to get me committed by this time with several different places. So when she left she called 911 had me committed, I was out of it, but she drove me there. Then we tired again to make it work, I still was so foggy and it was hard she was unwilling to make me feel secure in our relationship. We were on a test run. That created more self-esteem issues and I take all the blame. I should have taken her out more. I am so confused, all I know is I love this women and she only wants to hurt me.
For some reason people think I wanted out of this relationship, she is the one who left, granted I was struggling emotionally. I though it was for better or worse, when she was in school, I watched our child, cooked, cleaned, worked for years while she studied. I never once complained, I was proud of her. When she needed me I was there. Not the same.
We got some money for injury stuff, I put it into bonds till we needed it, we spent 5000 catching up on our bills. So she decides to move and take all the money we had, Stopped all my utilities, and when I need a credit card to pay some medical bills she stopped payment on them.
Here is what I don’t get, why wouldn’t she just take everything and let me go, instead everything is going into bankruptcy, she left me broke, unable to continue all my medical care that I need, then she got a restraining order so I can only see my kids with protective custody. Why didn’t she let me go. The only thing I can imagine in my head, is this is how bad I was to her. And I thought I was such a descent dad, and husband. I did so try the best I could, I guess it wasn’t enough. I was missing God friends, I shut Him out, I did not walk the path He so wonderfully laid out for me. I turned my wife against me who I love more than life it self. I can not do the protective visits, so I wont be able to see, my kids, Put a sick man in a situation to fail, and he will, I am not going there, I know my emotions will get in the way and what ever I feel will be used in court against me.
I do not understand Gods will here, but I am going to keep praying, keep trying to get well. I will be able to start my rehab soon. Here is the worse part; I hurt so bad inside I don’t know if I will recover. I may never be able to work, socialize. I will share Christ till the end though. I am focused on my path. Maybe ill be know as the crazy preacher. If that brings people to God and avoids what I am going through, I am ok with that.
Well in the end here she won, she got the kids more than likely, if I cant recover ill never be part of their lives. She imprisoned me to a life I did not want. She took my insides and made them numb. Here is what really suck, my hole family blame me for all of this and just want me to be happy with what I have. To bad they don’t understand who I have become, I have always been kind. But when people cry I cry with them, I feel what they feel. And I so feel for my wife, what have I done to her. My God have mercy on my soul, what ever it is it is beyond my comprehension. All I ever wanted was for her to say I love you and ill stay with you no mater what. But she held me accountable for my mental instabilities, and pounced me into the ground. I still only love her, I tried to get out of her way, I saw it coming I guess. But maybe this is the price I pay for keeping God out of our relationship for several years, and turning on God. I am forgiven now thanks to my wife I have finally gave everything to God.
I am not sorry about being bankrupt, losing everything. The only thing I will truly miss is my wife and children. I so pray for their happiness. God be with them always, and maybe someday they might know everything I did in my mental instabilities I did because I loved them so much and just did not know how to deal with it. My only sin is neglecting God and her, the rest I had no control over it, but she thinks I am such a liar she wont believe in me again,
All this from one little roll over, with out God, keep God in your hearts friends, He is the way, all things will work with Him, with out Him you will end up like me. I pray that you keep on Christ’s path and follow His will. He love you so much, just like I love my family that is gone. And the mess I have made of everything, I just can not hold it together no more it is to much. So I will spend the next few years trying to get well, focus on God and help mankind. That is all I have now, I don’t think I can ever let anyone in again, no one has ever stuck it out, only my grandmother who I cannot see either. But through all this I have hope through Christ, it is going to be so hard, but this is my price for the way I lived my life. I will never lose sight of my Jesus again, I am so sorry.
Amen
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