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As harsh as the following short story is the real truth is far more hateful and devastating my ex's actions would be one of hate and contempt with the intentions to strip away any love or pride I might have. It would be her intention to take my children from me, my job, my family and any friend I had. All the time her words would be lies. The bible talks about a double edge tongue of pure evil. She would convince herself she is a good person, and me. I would take the blame for her issues, and all the time deep down I knew she did not want to be with me and wanted to be with someone else. She would have many boyfriends over a short period of time, but still I would take full responsibility for every issue that would be hers. Her own words "it takes two to tango" when the truth she would do all the tangoing, my brain injury would keep me from seeing the truth. But the power of Christ would keep me on His path doing good and helping all who need it. She would be able to have her way with me for a couple of years. But her lies and evil actions would come to light in time. It is amazing how much love and kindness I have inside and the miracles God would have in store for me. I needed to be humbled to serve His will. I do not blame her, Gods will cannot be changed. Her ruthless hard soul would bring me to my knees. I know realize that she was the worse thing that could have happened to me, but Gods power would even shine her soul, now it is all gone. And the saying what comes around goes around, she has no clue. I pity her soul. I will not judge God will. It dose appear that most of my life has been in a fog of confused emotional reality. As I look at the big picture my entire life. I really do not know or understand anything well. I have always contemplated what my parents did not like about me, that they had no part in my childhood. I have had a million theories on this and I am still not sure, what events effected them in such a way that they would leave a child for dead. I was in the foster home system where my earliest years were spent in fear and extreme emotional need. I needed someone to want me. I so desperately wanted my parents to love me. I learned to lie at an early age; I was too ashamed just to say they did not want me. They were everything from CIA officers, artists to off fighting foreign wars. I can remember waiting all my childhood, but they never wanted me. I tried so hard being good at things and I was, thinking that would make them want me. Then I started exenterating my accomplishments, but nothing worked. As I matured this carried on nothing I ever did could ever be good enough. Sadly enough that has seemed to be true for me. It turns out my parents were more interesting than my imagination, my mom a career drunk and druggy and my dad a mobster Italian type, I don’t thing the 14 years he was in prison was for bad checks now. That was his twisted tale, it was gambling and crime. I to this day do not know the specifics but it no-longer matters. I do not care anymore.
My heart refused God, because a God would not do this. Though I had a loving grandmother who cherished the ground I walked on. That emptiness of total rejection would carry on for decades. No one or nothing ever got into my heart. I was kind and descent but no one got my heart ever. Then it happened God got it, this is when the real fog began as I evaluate my life now. God reached through more sin than most people could even imagine. He so changed my life in an instance I found myself going from a life of a house and a pool, driving a nice corvette to breaking down and struggling across the country in a wrecked up old motor home called Bertha, with a girl who still owns my heart. God warns to protect your heart, but I never understood that till now. I never cried in my later childhood and adult life, but ill never forget the first time I cried, mid September 2005, I cried for 7-9 hours straight. My brain totally shut down, I was scared, unaware of what was happening, out of my mind, and no one noticed or cared. Granted a Traumatic Brain Injury compounded it, but it was purely emotional. They people who crushed me never really knew, but never the less it was the first of many heartbreaks. I always knew deep down I guess that nothing is forever, but it would have been for me. I thought for once I was safe, and wanted. Because of my jaded past thanks to my dad, I hold the perspective of how someone totally loves you would be the level of affection, intimacy, I know its jaded but you try being raised around it and exposed to it most of your life, and go to the opposite end of the spectrum. From evil and the devil to God and the truth. God reached into my sin and called me. I still ask are you sure God, trust me don’t question Him. Now don’t get me wrong I was wanted when I was of use. But when my use grew thin so did I. Shortly after being involved in a severe auto roll over, where angels and God save my life, but more importantly protected my children “that’s another story, in fact it was the first short story I ever wrote”. But it would turn my life upside down. I was experiencing memory loss and cognitive inability that would take away me for months. This was an extreme fog; my childhood programming would come into full swing, they say 90% of your programming is in the first 5 years. And what I thought was real turned to be another figment of my imagination or none existent or maybe just another one of my childhood fantasies. I thought someone wanted me and would be with me no matter what. For better or worse, in sickness or health, till death, and be a true mate as long as we shall both live, till death due us part type thing. They would be there when I needed them. Now don’t think for a minute I thought they would do that just because, I have never had that much faith in my self, I have always had to earn any Love I would ever get, but I thought I spent years proving I was worthy.
I will explain what I mean by worthy. I treated her like a queen for years, when a aunt accused her of tying up a hose and other stuff and started bad mouthing her I immediately took her side and protected her, getting us kicked out of a drive way with our RV Betsy. When she wanted to help her brother I supported that for years, though he turned out to be one of the best friends I have, who I can not get around because of the fuel, anything about me feeds to her fire. And plus I am sure like everyone else that she is involved with, they think I am a piece of garbage trying to get out of my marriage. But for the first time in my life I am in total truth, because of God once again reaching into my depths to pull me out again. You want to know something their afraid of me now. When she had a bad job, I made her quit, anything she needed I was there. Her grandfather’s death. I spent lots of time with her family verses the few hours spent with mine, but most of that was by my choice a good choice too, till after the accident. I went through her with, 2 pregnancies and births, multiple hospitals when I first met her, heart problems and all the fear of losing her that went through me. Though the last couple of years I became very frugal or cheap as she would say, but my life style changed to God and right and my income was cut in a third. I should have known by our discussions about it. When things would get heated up and we would get to the issues, she had hers and I had mine. She wanted to go do things, and I wanted affection, I always wanted that, I tried so hard to get it, eventually I stopped trying after 7 or 8 years but I would have never left her. I was content, in this; I love her more than myself. And my two beautiful daughters I adore more than everything. It would all be taken away and taunted in my face like the prize it is. It reminded me of the food I was teased with in one of my foster homes. I remember them getting such satisfaction out of it, like I deserved the lesson. I was to get the lesson of a life time. But when we would get to the knity gritty she would walk away when it got heated up, so we never solved it. She wanted counseling but I had so many years of it as a child, I though we should be able to get to the bottom of the issues, but we never did. She would always walk away when it got difficult. So when I got difficult, like from being normal to changing to the behavior of a drug addict for the effects of the TBI, that was the most difficult thing I have put her through, she ran this time. But would comeback to get what she thought was her fair share. She went into defensive mode, protective mode planning her escape. Maybe deep down I thought she wanted me dead. I guess I pushed that theory to hard I thought by screaming out please come back or I will die, I wrote morbid notes of a pitiful broken heart desperately begging her to come back, but she never would, at best we slept in the bed a couple of times. But this was not to happen; we spent nights at other people’s houses or me on the couch for months she would never forgive me. First I think she blamed me from going from this fairly stable person to this totally unpredictable and very emotionally unstable person almost over night I am sure it was over whelming. Now here is the ironic thing she says she knows all about it, but never once considered it, or gave me a brake, she even brought me a flier telling all of this stuff, I am working on a new fliers one that makes since to help people to maybe understanding how serious and the effect on the family, 85% of spouses not suffering leave this person with a mild TBI, they say the main reason is you don’t see the skull cracked open, but the physiological effects can be far greater on this type of closed injury, you look fine so you must be, they adapt to this new behavior and don’t support your needs of reassurance, they don’t know that’s what combats this, so how could they deal with it, it is so hard and real on them it becomes true and fact, 85% leave even if you were a good husband and father, they can never except that you could not help it, and by them leaving make it that much more devastating. Now mine got scared, she tried for a while unsuccessfully trying to get me committed, in a physic ward anything all cause they don’t understand. Well my honey got a doctor to back it up, thought explaining every bad quality I ever displayed. I would have sworn I did a ton more good than bad in our relationship, but again I submit that just might have been my warped séance of perspective. Or maybe there was no real love there, I just don’t know any more the fog is thick here. Back to the crying, we were at a club and it was shortly after my wreck still at this point no one had a clue of what was going on. I went into my first complete mental break down, total loss of memory, no cognitive ability. I am sure the drink’s and load noise had nothing to do with it. But when we came out of there I was freighted, scared and totally confused, I really needed some to be with me, or maybe even go to the hospital, anyone my sister, my friend my wife just anyone. But I find it easy to forgive my sister because though we love one another we don’t know each other that well we were raised apart and I spent more time since my marriage, than all together. So she might not pick up the signs but my brother in law should have been able to tell, I thought for sure my wife could tell I was scared and out of it and drunk. They offered to drive me somewhere and leave me there alone I begged for someone to stay with me, I think they thought I meant everyone I just needed someone I had no idea what was going on. Later my wife told me if I would have taken here out more she might of cared that rings in my ears and heart combined with the one I could love you, and I don’t want you to get the wrong message, I was set up to be insecure, but I can still forgive her, it happened so fast neither of us knew what was going on. So off I went tears gushing out of my eyes like Niagara Falls and for hours and hours, I thought I was going crazy I cannot remember ever crying before that. Till it turned into rage, not once did anyone conceder I might have had a problem, they never even checked to see if I got home ok. I felt so abandoned, these were the emotions my brain was consumed with From that day on no one would ever check to see how I was doing, they would never understand, it got to everyone. If they would have realized how strong I was to do what I was able to do, it took so much strength. I should have went to the hospital from day one. They stayed out all night that night. even after a promising hand shacking that they would get her home safe. At about 3.30 I started getting worried I called, on phone, at 4ish a called another phone, no answer, I now kind of question what really went on. Not that it makes a difference now. But by the time we talked I was so out of it and raged I told her on the phone it was over, to get out, I never meant a word of it, I was scared and confused mentally not there. I said some very hurt full things, that would leave permanent scares on her heart, it kills me to this day. . But when I kicked her out which I never meant in a million years and deep down she had to know but maybe not. And the worst theory is that there was no love there for her. This fog continues to try to figure out how Gods plan works. I don’t know I have not figured that out yet in time ill know the answer.
Well this whole thing has been one confusing fog, which I am out of but was prolonged by her constant repayment of that night, the scares were so deep that she would attack from that day forward. We never made up and made love. She never trusted me again and developed an exit strategy. She left shortly after that and things would progressively get worse from there. Supposable one of my problems was money I stopped it completely. But I guess that was not the problem, I tried taking her out more, that was a problem, I so wanted back in her heart, so I don’t know what the problem was, I figure that was her escape for the tyranny she felt that I put her in. My hardest theory is that there was never there anyway it was all me, and that reality or fog hurts so badly. But I submitted the money that she expressed so important to her to her and God, but most importantly in my heart. And it turns out it was the most important thing to her, which added many more scares on my heart of pitiful loss of love that tares at me every second of every day. She gave such an illusion that money meant nothing when it meant everything in the end and I meant nothing. She went into protective mode; survival if you will, and began thinking the worse things you can imagine during a divorce, which still amaze me to this day. She went for my throat with the intention to kill.
Now as bad as all this sounds that’s not the hardest part for me. Because of my TBI my frontal lobes are now open and appear they will remain open. These particular lobes are where the emotions come from. My old ways I was able to keep them closed. Ironic huh, God used this accident to change how I perceive things. How I understand and take things in. I used to take them in with reason and some heart. Now everything comes from the heart, it is so hard to get used to after all these years. I have cried every day since I lost her heart. I know it is my fault and the accident but it still so hurts. She finds this new emotion so unattractive it scares her. So when we do see each other I see the loss of the love of my life, and what she sees is unappealing. It so destroys me, I cannot take for her to see me. I think I saw it coming through the fog. I so wanted to get out of the way. It was to fast. I tried joining the Peace Corps, and was so on my way, but she wouldn’t take everything and let me go. Instead she took everything that meant anything to me and made me stay and watch. How many times I have wished that God would have took me in the accident, what purpose dose He have leaving me here with my heart like this. Now here is where the real fog is, here is this women who despises me, thinks I am a un fit dad because I was honest with my child. Blames me that the truth hurts our child, and my relationship with my girls has been totally taken away and diminishing. My heart grows emptier and harder each day, and all I can feel is Love and Loss and emptiness. God give me strength each day to do His will, I don’t know how He dose it. I have faith though, that is what He has looked for in me. Though I was a pastor 8 years prior the accident. Just in this last year has my heart been opened to true understanding to his purpose in all of this. Everything my life was, should and will be used for His will, I now have compassion and understanding and I am able to truly forgive. And the forces that are at work here are in credible and a fog to all most everyone. I have a aunt who has dislike myself and my wife, has made our lives difficult, stole and lied. Now my wife thinks she is the beacon of truth. And my dad who just begged for the opportunity for me to go to him for the rehab I need, he so would have messed my head up, I thank God for the inner wisdom not to, he has worked every angle causing more damage, all I ever need was the truth and help finding it, and lots of love, that was the key to me, affection and love. That was all I needed to get well quick, now I just don’t know, I am doing everything I can I go to rehab 4 days a week, I pray I fellowship and I am helping missionaries work, and want to do a little myself. God put this calling to see, He wants me to know about it for some reason, I am so learning. But this fog, I have no clue what purpose it has, but I know now that God gave me this new radar, to stir through life, a new compassionate heart, I am to be true to what I believe and follow Christ’s example, I never knew how hard it was, I never understood the great sacrifice he made, and I know that he made it knowingly for each of us by name, I now see and realize the miracles He can make happen. I am waiting for the ultimate miracle and I know I can not achieve it only He can, I pray for my family to let me back into their hearts and become a family again. I so was wrong in my perceptions of it really meant to me, I so down played it, it meant everything. And through all of this I can now explain with clarity and certainty Gods love and grace. And that only through His blood can I or anyone else be worthy to enter His kingdom. I can now communicate that heart to others, so they too can understand and accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior who died and has risen from the dead, of a horrible death for us. Only because He loves us. And I too, through this fog now love someone that much, my family and then man. I have finally put myself last, and know my purpose is to serve where and how I can. God, Family and Man. I always put I first, when it should have been last, I messed up the whole order of things. My hope that order is restored in my life, but I realize through the fog I may have caused to much damage to her, even though I could not help it, it was real to her and I will have to live with that till the day I die. I do not know Gods purpose in this but with my radar when I need to know He will let me know, for now I must put my trust in His will, and pray and know reality will work it self out, His reality not mine. And now the fog is thick, I have no idea what is to happen, where I am going and what is next, but I am not scared no more, I have so put my faith in Christ and He will hold my hand and take me through the fog, and He and apparently He alone will give me that intimate love that only God, parents and spouses can give, and help me make it through this world with compassion and dignity with the promise of love in the next life, that was never meant for me here.
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