With out a doubt this is the the

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

all rights to their original artists special thanks for the link to this song

Here I am the weight of the world is crashing down on me, Jesus has become my everything, my only thing, my mind still creating deep thoughts that are way out of my control. Things just seem to happen. Now mind you this chapter has been written and added to over extreme opposite mindsets. From morbid to one of love, but realizing the reality of I have no one really. I have added the unlovable a short story I wrote while suffering from the effects of my brain injury. And the harsh truth is no one cared, I went to work the day of the accident. As the days would follow my mind would enter the twilight zone and nothing would ever be the same. And this reality is what is scary. Everything I once thought I have proven to be false. It was just an act, an elaborate stage titled “death of a soul”. My friends and family “the ones I let in” turned in a flash, but of course that was part of my wives on going assassination. She set out to destroy any credibility with anyone who knew me. For some reason deep down inside in her, she felt I had it coming. She held so much contempt for me that it ate her from the inside out. To this day I cannot think of what I did, but actions prove that it was unspeakable. As time passes the reality is I was the only one who truly loved and was committed. That she was not happy that I was the only one happy and contempt. I so thought for the first time in my life I was part of a family. You see family to me has a significant meaning, no mater what I would have never left her, I would have stuck through anything. I should have taken her out more I guess. Now she says she loved me, as a matter of fact she says she’ll always love me. It is interesting our different perspectives of our vows and level of commitment. It makes one think what is love anyway. I have concluded I do not know what love is either. What I thought was correct, I was later to find false. That is something I learned through my experience is that all people will turn in an instant. And you never know when, its just waiting to happen. Now mind you that may only be me, and the result of me. Maybe that’s why when I do manage to slow down I wish I had died in the car wreck. I have no ambition to want anything of this world. I am afraid of everyone and cautious of everything. I put no value on anything of this world. I am struggling with the thought of keeping the house I am in or selling it. It has been passed down for generations. I am not sure if God wants me to stay and fight, or find new grounds to base my operations from.

I know I can never see my primary doctor, but I like my PA so for now it works. I am empty inside after everything, she is hot on her credit she forgets I bought her credit, a secured credit card, here, I saved excessive changes, you know quarters, dimes and nickels and those pennies, over $3000 I made a point in saving change. I paid off her collections and this before we were married.. Our marriage was a weird deal, we were married in Gods eyes but not in the laws not till much later. She wanted to finish school, I would work my butt off and stress how we were going to make it, I have to find more ways of generating income, and I did but it was a lot. That’s when I diversified, EMT/MRT Training – instinctive HR skills if the candidates are there and sometime then picking someone that don’t shine through the rest is always difficult. but those vows today are the ones I hold true to my heart. And I know I have to follow what my Lord tells me and here it is The legal ones and symbols of it. I think it might have started at that point for her. I am not sure when she decided to find a way out. It works. And there is nothing there. The only thing that makes since is Jesus; I just hope I have not destroyed my heart to where it keeps me from heaven. The cuts are deep, and bleeding I long so much to be with my Lord. My life is going so fast I am blind and can only follow God’s will in my life. He has made such good things in my life, and for the first time in my life I know it’s not me. I am so nothing with out the Lord. He is everything good in my life. Everything happening is not of me at all, its just happening, the people I meet are fellow servants, we have a similar understanding of life. I am meeting a group of people that I did not know existed. Kind, giving and generous but you cannot get into parts of their hearts. The world can kill a part of your heart; maybe it’s a part of your soul. Mine is gone, but the works I can accomplish in His Holy name, amazes me. And my selfish side wishes I were not here. That I did not have to deal with the constant rejection I feel inside, the false security I had, my fantasy of what love and marriage were. I hate crowds; I am way out of my comfort zone. Now I have a fan club. I do not want any of this. I am scared and pray for it to stop. I am not strong enough to do this. Jesus and me have an agreement of sorts. I will follow what He puts in front of me, and He will not let me go through anything I cannot do. I do feel inside that is coming, something weather it has happened, is happening or is going to happen, I do not know. As people look at me they think how good I am doing, but the fact of it is I am not all right I am broken inside. And I know that this pain I feel is forever. I would rather die a miserable death from cancer than keep going through what I feel. I have never felt secure, but I know beyond any doubt I have no one except my Lord. After my accident is when this fact was confirmed and continently reinforced I was out of there-cut off, finished no more. At that point she saw her chance and took it. She didn’t know what she wanted; the only thing for sure is that she knew she did not want me. And so many times in her actions, it’s kind of cool because money doesn’t mean anything to me. This house I think is a negative thing. My thoughts are to get a farm near by. The girls love the farm; it’s just this part of my family except my grandmother whom I must force visits to pray with her. I love her so, but her mental state, and lose and my open receptors its a lot. And I am so not wanted there it is cold. But for my grandmother I must. Pray for me please.. Oh there was a lot of chatter in the background to other people on how they would help. Not one person was there for me, not a phone call, visit, card lots of chatter but not one action. And it was only to her. So she figured I was pushing everyone away. My sister kept her out all night during my first brain malfunction and convinced her of some that was not real, and I am sure it is beyond my wildest nightmares. My wife. Here is something that just blows my mind. She would say you have all these people who love you who, auntie and, Dad, sister in her vengeful rage, I guess if I needed help I should have went to them and maybe begged for help. Wait I did, I begged my wife in every way I knew how. I tried to make her understand I would rather be died than to live with out her and to please stay. At the time I had little control of these emotional respecters so tears were there, my pain and confusion were real. We had a parade of people being the holidays were coming. Her grandmother whom I love, her brother, who knows what he thinks, he perhaps had the most bizarre of all of my mental implosions of reality I needed reassurance and help seeing the truth. I was to never be allowed that. In fact my sister would instill to my wife that she was the victim. You see a couple of weeks after the accident my brain lost cognitive and reasoning ability and I would be abandoned drunk and alone. And in my fear and instability I would lash out, only in words but I would never be forgiven. Since I did not mean that everything I stood for and was trying to be would be attacked and told it was bad and a lie. I pushed my wife away because of my injury. Now my dad had all the answers, I wish he could have seen I was being defined by God, and supported me rather than to be the doctor. I had plenty of doctors.

My insides have been gutted like a wild animal. Any self worth or pride I had before all of this, which was extreme. It does seem everything I do is in extreme. This has been one of my best and worst qualities. I want to stay in my hole. I am not strong enough to handle what is happing in my life. God is doing all the work. But anyway that’s another chapter. Lets get down to the grit of the matter. The killing started a couple of weeks after my accident and brain injury. Now I know everyone is responsible for his or her own actions. But my own family made my wife think everything I was about was a lie. My wife probably had no value in us just her, it was more than she could or would want to handle. The harsh fact is that she was ready to go, this was her escape. My sister whom during one of my brain meltdowns I said I disowned and didn’t want anything to do with. She took it as a vicious attack rather that a brain malfunction. Now her revenge was to continuously convince my wife that she shouldn’t put up with it. That her marriage was not right, she should not stand for it any longer. She was working on this previous the accident but not to the same level. But when I was down, confused and not cognitive or able to reason. She called my wife several times a day to see if she was all right, which is ok, but she never once called to see if I was all right. She made my wife feel like a victim. And the sad thing is I built this weak relationship that the first sign of real trouble, and the only time I really needed. I needed reassurance and love, but I got angry and rejection. Rather to help her husband get well she would torment me leave for days me with the kids and a brain injury. She got satisfaction from the hurt and pain I felt. And once she knew which buttons to push to make me hurt. I knew that when she picked her friendship with my sister over our marriage. That was the first sign. I had nightmares and shared them with her and every one came true. I guess that’s the power of suggestion. I told the story of what was to happen before it happened. Everything has come to be. To this day it still plays with my mind, and how I wish I could have kept my big mouth shut.

But as we know I did not keep my mouth shout. I went into a rage almost, I was frightened, alone and not real with it, I told my wife when I finally talked to her the next morning after an almighty of extreme emotions in a non - cognitive ability to reason things through well. I cried all night, the first time I cried since I was 2 or 3 I believe and it would not stop. I thought I was going nuts. Thoughts were going through my head faster that I could process things. I mean everything. I doubt I know the truth about that night too. I have not been communicated with at all, just brutal surprises of harsh attacks to hurt, break, demoralize, shame or kill me. After I knew everyone was alright, because believe it or not I was for most worried, then upset when they were ok. I had a promise a hand shake that my wife would be home. Life is funny some times, it takes turns we don’t even see coming. That is if were following our Lord, it never goes where you might think. I am so tired of going through this so empty and broken and no clue why. Just because I was nutty for a while, I begged for help. But your counselors, my sister, dad and aunt. And I do not dispute the fact of what I was going through was sever and a lot but only temporary. And if you new you were the one who held the key to a easier and speedier recovery. Gods will then always take over and I must do what he says.

I was quickly being mentally destroyed. Any confidence I had was ripped out and stepped into the ground. I was never forgiven for the words I said in a mental instability caused by a brain injury from a car wreck. It was going to be one assault on me after another. It got to the point I wanted out so bad. I saw the train coming and I wanted to get out of the way. I will be honest I still wish someone would have put a gun to my head and squeeze the trigger than to go through the kill I am going through. I will never be the same. I have always felt abandoned when things became difficult for whom I was with my parents, foster homes and the hardest one of all. A woman I loved so much I would have always been there. I would have given my life for hers. I begged for months but she saw that as weakness and distanced her self further. No one has ever called or came to see me. After my wife left me she called once and said in a condescending voice I just called so you think I care. The only reason she called I shared those feeling with her the prior day.

Listen to this passage

1 Corinthians 7:1-15 (New Living Translation)

New Living Translation (NLT)

1 Corinthians 7

Instruction on Marriage

1Now about the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to live a celibate life. 2But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.

3The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. 4The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. 5So do not deprive each other of sexual relations. The only exception to this rule would be the agreement of both husband and wife to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time, so they can give themselves more completely to prayer. Afterward they should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt them because of their lack of self-control. 6This is only my suggestion. It's not meant to be an absolute rule. 7I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage, and to others he gives the gift of singleness.

8Now I say to those who aren't married and to widows--it's better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9But if they can't control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It's better to marry than to burn with lust.

10Now, for those who are married I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord.^[a] A wife must not leave her husband. 11But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else go back to him. And the husband must not leave his wife.

12Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a Christian man^[b] has a wife who is an unbeliever and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13And if a Christian woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not have a godly influence, but now they are set apart for him. 15(But if the husband or wife who isn't a Christian insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is not required to stay with them, for God wants his children to live in peace.)

Footnotes:

1 Corinthians 7:10 See Matt 5:32; 19:9; Mark 10:11-12; Luke 16:18.
1 Corinthians 7:12 Greek a brother.

You say you love me, wow. I should praise God you do not hate me if I can hurt this much inside with so much love. I have never felt this much pain ever. Seems that it was a plan. Like you were help in a prison and your first chance to escape you did it. Good job, it is hard to escape the bonds of tyranny and domination. I can tell by your run, with no looking back. Life is funny, it sometimes is opposite of what it seems. The other day I was talking to a women friend, who left her ex-husband putting him in the depths of hell, emotionally, financially and every other way you could imagine. He never stopped loving her. Years and years later he made it out of the darkest pit one could imagine, a pit of disbelieve, he never saw it coming. As this woman’s is in shatters because she never did find what she was looking for. She told me how good of a man he was. He was a good father, good with money and caring and responsible. She told me he was a good-looking man, but the thought of intimacy or even kissing grossed her out. How that when they were together it was a big issue. He was so yearning for affection that she could not give him. She said she just never felt that way, and wishes she could but cannot. Shivers ran down my spine, as she cried, she to ran and never looked back.

Love is a funny thing, just because one person truly loves another. And though for a while that can fuel a relationship for years. In the end when one person has loved and dose not truly love. The fuel runs out, and an inner death comes to the one who exhausted their love foolishly. By foolishly I mean not keeping your heart set of Jesus. The love of Jesus is guaranteed love. It is a love that will not fail you in times of need. A love so magnificent that it will not turn ever, it will stay with you to the end. Very few people ever experience that in life. I praise God because I myself love somebody so much that I know I will never love again. But praise to God I have my Jesus to help me through this. He comforts me when I cry. He is there to tell me its alright. He loves me anyway and he is truly opening doors for me. The doors and paths are difficult ones to take. But just like the man who still loves, but simply exsists. He knows not the heart of the woman that has his heart. As much pain as he went through and lives out each day. Though his reality was harsh the truth is always so much harsher. His love is foolishly wasted on someone, who the thought of an intimate love is the most disgusting thing in her heart. Jesus is his only hope. Jesus is my only hope.

As harsh as this mans reality is, we all have our own realities that we must bare. My reality is not of this world. I have my Jesus and I am following. I will not live for years in self-pity and torture of the soul beyond imagination. What good is it to live to die a slow painful death, just simply existing because that’s the way you are expected to. You must think to yourself why anyone would expect you to live like that. Then you must reach deep with in your soul and pray with all your strength and listen to your heart. Jesus will gently guide you with mercy and love. It will bring you peace to joyfully submit your life and will to Jesus. It is far better to rush to death for Jesus to live, than to live to die anyway.

Friends the moral to this is when the world sucks every bit of life from your spirit. Pray, Jesus is the only one that will restore your spirit. But remember what you have learned for it truly gets harder. A great man said something once that I am going to change a little to meet my purpose of comparing it to something the greatest man, Jesus tells us. A great man once said; ask not what you can do for yourself, but what can you do for your fellow man. And my most beautiful Lord said it the best, Love your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as your self. So with the Lords help you can reach deep inside your soul. You can take that love you have that disgusts the one you want to give it too. And with Jesus you can turn it into love for man. And know the sacrifice you have given to the Lord. You still Love, though they want none. You live each day for the Lord and He will give you the peace to go on. Know that if you walk with Him, He will never give you more than you can handle. He will show grace and mercy, though your life my be short. 11 out of the 12 disciples died horrible deaths living for Christ. They were servants of man, and were graced with wisdom and love not of this world. A love that was always near. It did not run, when things got tuff it grew. A love so dependable, that though their lives were short and their deaths painful. To the end Jesus revealed to their hearts what is true love. My prayer is that everyone who reads this submits to Jesus. Take Him as your personal savior today, don’t wait time is short. Life can end in an instant; it can change in a millisecond. Jesus loves you whether or not you love him. Oh the pain He must feel for some, the ones who do not love him. Just like the man who did not have the woman’s love, and he only existed. How much more pain dose Jesus feel, He wants all of His sheep, and he will go to any lengths to save each one. For His heart is perfect and His love, so the pain He fells is so great. Jesus will not rest till He brings everyone home He can. Praise God for His perfect love, only through His death and blood could we have the gift of salvation. The gift of perfect love in that one name, the one and only Jesus Christ my savior.

Now my pornographer dad thought this was a good opportunity to do his own rehab. He told me when I was ready he would help me. Well I figured I had a neurologist, neurophysiologist, counselor, and doctor, brain pathologist all working toward my recovery. Well I was in a physic ward, which my wife put me in after abandoning me and mentally going deeper into confusion. And my cries to her went unnoticed. It became her goal to punish me every chance never to let up and not have me feeling the least bit secure. I never felt secure; I knew it was hanging a thread, and the balance was up to me. Now I was confused, angry, scared, unable to reason things normally, emotional, aggravated easy and mentally all over the place. Well anyway my dad called me and tried to help me understand reality. He said son your grandfather had a saying when you work with shit you begin to smell like shit. Here was his comparison, I work with the profoundly disabled, and I love what I do. I learn more from them than they do from me. My father thought a life helping him build his porno empire was clearly the better choice. Now her is where God comes in, even though most people thought I was a nut, I had a wisdom that was not of this world. I knew things and everything I said to my wife came true. I knew she was leaving soon. I was a stranger to her now, maybe I always was and this was her way out. Her freedom from the bondage and captivity she felt I held over her. Now I know it was contempt for what I was reaching for Christ. But for years I never got a good grip on His loving hand, but in my deepest pit He grabbed my hand and pulled me in to life. Everything that I am about I never imagined, every bit of mercy and grace He has given me I do not deserve. Then my dad went into telling me about my church how it was not an appropriate place to be. You see I am a pastor at perhaps the poorest church in my city. And my dad being the wealthy pornographer he is felt it was beneath him. I guess he has to feel that, that you don’t need to worship, you can do what you want, and not live for Christ. He is wrong, I am meant for this poor church or any poor church. My dad like myself for a while believes I should be this leader of men. I know now with out question I am to be a servant of man through my Jesus Christ my personal savior who died for me. And only through Him can I ever hope to one day have happiness. My happiness does not exist in this world. I am to give but not to get in all things. Any thing I get or need God will give to me. I am not to pursuer it, it will just happen.

I just couldn’t believe it when she wouldn’t forgive me, when she couldn’t step up and help me through this. I distanced myself, which is consistent with a TBI traumatic brain injury, and she ran. She went after me financially, emotionally and any other way she could muster up with the intention to kill and to have me snap. There was only hate in her actions, now her words spoke of love as the knife repeatedly penetrated my heart. Everyone got into the action. But here is an amazing fact, as soon as I distanced myself from all non believers just like the bible says God has opened doors I did not know existed, this journey scares me, but I know I must follow this path for now. It will be interesting to see how it turns out. None of what is happening is anything I planned. As you read in previous chapters the attacks and then retaliations. I have been confused on their thought process on the subject of comparison of trying to make me out to be a dangerous dad, unloving with no personal knowledge. How they said I could not meet their needs. How I was crazy with grief and no one cared. I got an I told you so from my dad. I got an get your pitiful broken heart out of here from my sister. And I got the ultimate I don’t love you from my wife. Then she tried to make it so I would only have supervised visits with my children. All because of the truth, my kids know the truth it does not even need to be said. When people got involved in my childrens relationship and me. I fought back with truth, letting them know I am not going to roll over while people try to take my kids away. They took my wife away, but I guess she wanted to go. One person telling her she shouldn’t take it, and another comparing me to her lost marriage and how she had to leave him. My dad and aunt convincing her I am a liar, and almost I, before my enlightening I stretched and fantasized things to reality but they made me to be the scum of the earth. And none of them know me, or anything about me. I have worked hard at obtaining training, skills, compassion, a syllabus that was intensive and an understanding of real love beyond most. I have mastered the art of servant, and I love it. I work with 40 people with disabilities, basketball teams, advocacy groups, friendship, technology, health and the love of Jesus Christ and they spread it. They are my encouragement, the obstacles that they have to go through. We do events, camping, fishing, biking, and picnics. I want them to have the life they deserve to have. And in my church there is love, people are real with real problems. God has blessed me to serve in awesome ways and I am blessed. He has blessed my works in His name, like the website thepastors.org an annual Christian camping event 9 years now. One of the largest advocacy groups on the west coast. Skills to help beyond any thing I thought possible. I have hundreds of people who would be here for me; none of whom I thought would be. People I never knew have come forward to help me in the name of Jesus. No one from my family checks on me or cares or even believes I was hurt. I had no support if I wanted it I had to go to them. I thought when someone was hurt people came to you. I would have had to beg for help, wait I did, no one wanted to help. I was written off.

This has been a spiritual battle. God is watching this wicked web I am entangled in and gives me the strength to just say no. I was into deep to ever go back, I would never make it. My strength comes from the Lord, and only through Him can I make it from day to day. I wake up and still am in disbelieving dismay on how unlovable I am to this world. I know I will never let anyone back in. I have the biggest heart break coming yet, when she finds someone new, I know its over but I never wanted that, it has been her all the long. We had some mutual friends who I liked and visited regularly her words were that she hated being around them, but she twisted them into thinking I wanted out of the marriage, I begged like a pitiful fool for 6 months. But the evil forces at work took over and she left as fast as she could. I don’t know how long it was planned but as I said I had dreams about it months before.

A new life was in store whether she has another man waiting or the anticipation of another man or better relationship. But without any doubt I am not wanted. Death would be to good for me in their eyes. For some reason everyone wanted me to fail. I am afraid they are probably right. Things are going so fast right now, and I have proven myself unable to follow Gods will well. At the speed I am going presently when I get of Christ’s path I am going to crash hard. But Jesus is my air bag and insurance that I just need to do the best I can given Him all glory. That shall probe to be interesting in time. And the self-righteousness of my sister and dad. There anger and inability to forgive me for being hurt for a while. But it did not matter she was so mad she would destroy my marriage from the inside out. I guess she had no value in my family or me. But she is just part of the long line of people who put no value in me what so ever. My mom and dad put no value, now my dad had a business value to me I was good. I made him lots of money. His attempts at devaluation every thing I have come to stand for, and it has been a struggle through my own obstacles of sin. But glory to God I have gotten out of it and grow stronger in the Lord. And through my injury and their attempts to shatter my believe system. God says stay away I have been walking that line. I have been able to see it for what it is, which you would have to be blind not to. Like my sister calling my wife after my TBI convincing she was the victim. She never once called to see if I was ok. But she would call my wife many times a day working her slowly and when I needed my wife she was with my sister consoling her anger and my sister right in the middle All very interesting how the enemy works, but my wife took it hook line and sinker. Then on to the kill, and replacement of me began. And the beginning to her new life with out me. Everyone got everyone involved. Not with me but destroying the fiber of my marriage. And it worked. Soon my wife would follow suit and try to destroy any relationships I had that she could. she took 4 people, our two friends she said she hated for so many reasons but I still went to see them. And get this I left her in their minds. I am at home but she probably convinced them everything I am is a lie. She did that with my doctors, Nero’s counselors and any one else she could. My fellow pastors, and anyone she ran into. My family not that that was a tough thing, they think I am a sad excuse for a being. And so involved in such a cult of church. I tell you what my church members out class them 1000 to 1 and more in Christ’s eyes. I am so blessed. I am honored with working with the poor and disabled, residential, educational, communication, operations, sports, recreational things, self advocacy and so much more I love it.

It is the worst feeling I think you can have. To lose anything that meant anything to you but nothing to the other. I never had parents in my life like this. And when my dad was in my life it was sick and demented. Read life in sin “sick stuff a young boy would be exposed to and taught this was normal. No one knows what I know, and the people who know me it would shock. One story that comes to mind was a girl named Alice, she worked in a office/assembly this was the beginning of it, she started giving me lines of cocaine, I was 17 she was like 26 and fine, we got drunk one night and she had her way with me. Come to find out my married dad was sleeping with her as well. As soon as this was found out he planted some stuff in my house saying to his wife look at this, off I went shipped out to another part of the country. I came back on my own, did a little school learned about computers, worked with a man who taught me formulation of plastics I got good at it, mold making, melting methods and I passed the SPE test Society of Plastic Engineers you have to have a masters I had the equivalency of that. My dad muscled in on him took his business and now I was working for him, I should of walked which I did a couple of years later making a superior product but only motivated enough to get by. He screwed Alice over too. He had many, many partners and they all got taken in the end. I guess that’s how the rich get richer. No my sister always thought she knew every thing; she got in the middle of my marriage the worst. Be cause of her self-centered own anger with me. Then teased me with you broken hearted and other nice things. Her day will come karma will catch up. Then she wrote a bunch of lies to a court trying to keep my kids away from me. My wives other two friends statements hurt but that’s how it is.

Here is the hardest of all things to cope with. With out a doubt I was not worth much to my wife. She either has or wants something new. Or even harsher nothing is better than me. No matter which it is, it does make the point of what kind of man I must have been in our relationship. If it is that it takes two to tango and my actions equal hers, I pray for forgiveness. I know what I feel like inside, and I so want it to stop. I cannot believe God believes I am strong enough for this. I know He is with me always. I so understand why in the bible He tells us to be careful with our hearts. That is perhaps the biggest sin I have committed, giving my heart to someone and putting all my trust in it. A trust equaled to what God wants from us. I was devastated and emptied out of everything and the pain consumes my conscience and soul. I know they say it will get better, I am a different kind of bird, I hope for Gods mercy before it consumes my soul with bitterness and resentment of my life. I know if I follow He will bless me with the grace I need. Evidentially it is a journey I was meant to take alone, afraid and insecure. I suppose it is so I will trust fully in Him. Maybe it is all because of me, my inability to follow correctly and stand up for what I should. Whatever the reason I am so tired of emptiness and distrust. This world has been so unfair and disappointing. I am no longer scared of death. I look forward to being with my Lord; this world has my children which I cherish more than my life. I am so afraid that I will turn into this bitter consumed person. It is so hard being strong for them. God has blessed me with His spirit in them and I know He is firmly planted in my children. Miracles are happening to reaffirm God’s greatness in my children. They are so proud of me, but they know that it is all Jesus and I have nothing to do with it. I have taken every opportunity to give glory to God, and let them experience His love. I thank the Lord for His hand in their lives.

I am not all right, I am broken in side. And it is not fixable. God and me have a deal. It is very hard on my end, probably just as hard on His. I have to do everything he puts in my path. And what He is putting scares me. Things I can or could not imagine, but I am passing on torches to other people to lead. My deal is to follow unconditionally doing his will what ever it is. And I will have peace soon. My insides are not going to repair, snap out of it, I can never trust again, at the end of this you will see a short the unlovable. The only people who truly cared about me were Ross, My Grandma and Dog. Ross just died I am doing a memorial- a celebration unto Jesus to honor him. Soon anything I trust will be gone and I know I am not far. I am so ok with that I want to go home. I am not strong enough to do this long. I need to show my kids how much I love them and they mean to me. I wish that were enough, God would provide if I plant His seeds well and they understand heaven is good. The pains I have I would rather die of cancer slowly over a year, just knowing I was going home it would be so much more tolerable than what I am living. I have 100’s of friends now and 1000’s of fans. Hit songs wrote about my stories and my writings. 1000’s of pages of stuff like 100’s of love letters my wife will never read while I am here. Pitiful cries to help me please, that went unheard by her. And my thoughts of me being so nothing to her and the hate she had for me. I am no fool she either has another man, or just the prospect excites her. I know that God is the only one who ever wanted me. But I let the lie of this world fool me, but Christ’s mercy is giving the chance to make it right for the right reasons, and I now see my faults for leaving my walk. I finally thought to my self. What do I stand for, is it something to stand for. Is it something my Lord would be happy with? There is to be no commitment of this world that is real to me, ever. I am ok with this, doing His will blindly and I know my peace will come soon. I pray I am ready, my wives new man I hope can be a good step father, my daughters have Christ but all the evil in their lives they have a tough row, I hope from heaven I can impact there spirits. What it takes out of me to do one of these shows will be my demise I am not that strong and it is all God and when I have fulfilled my duties He will bring me home. I so want out of this world, and this life that has been chosen for me. I so want to go home I want my insides to stop, the pain and fear constantly eating at my insides. I don’t want any more of this, Gods plan will work i pray for speediness. Just like my wife making my injury 100X worse by playing games on my head and doing what she could do to kill any security I might have had. I should be happy for her this is what she wanted and seems happy. I do pray for her happiness, and wish her well and that she finds what she is looking for. I do not desire to go on knowing everything in my life that should have been real, was not, they all went for my kids and throat. So off I go to do events that terrify me, I am going to sing in front of people, which I cannot do, but I pray my home is near and I praise the Lord, for all things. I have been blessed with experiences that I hope have touched other people. I am able to express Gods wonderful sacrifice to man. I can prove that God loves us so much. All of this had left me only with Christ to trust, as it should be. But I am not all right, I am broken in side forever..

Relationships in life our a funny thing. Not that I know from experience, I have had one and messed it up. You start life out with you parents not wanting you. So at 6 months old you bounce from foster home to foster home. Later in life you have flashbacks of the abuse you received. Somehow for years you managed to take the blame. Then you end up with your grandparents who have every bourdon one could imagine. You grow up in extreme poverty. You are difficult and totally UN-Respectful out-of-control child. The one friend you truly like is Carol. Carol is the disabled child, a daughter of my grandmother’s friend. She and I were the same age 4ish. You and her grow up and go to the same school. You always got picked on because you were her friend. Then in second grade she dies from her disability. And soon afterwards you grandfather dies, which results in a life long of guilt because of you last thought when he died. The selfishness, of those last thoughts. You lie and deceive your grandmother into letting you do what ever you wanted. Now in third grade, but now one on picks on you. They are afraid of you. They see the principle putting you over a chair. They hear the sound of the holed paddle as it made contact with my butt. But never on tear, not even a scream. And the one fight I got in, I got my butt kicked but good. I kept coming at him,, I didn’t stop. I got in a few good licks too. You see he was the big bad kid on the playground. They never ever wanted a piece of me after that. Back to the weekly paddling from the principle. I think he actually stopped enjoying it. He wanted me gone, so I was permanently expelled. Now mind you I didn’t mind the paddling. I was used to it my step dad use to work me over good, with his belt and the back of his hand. Till my crippled grandfather, put a stop to that. But he died shortly after that. One of the few real loves I have ever had. After he died I really went wild. Colored hair eye ring now mind you this I the 70’s. I was a freak, but I soon mellowed out with all that. I started liking the idea of girls. The purple and pink hair did not go so well with their parents, I wised up quick.

After being kicked out of Longfellow elementary there was some talk about a reform school. But bless my grandma she gave me to the Nuns. As I look back that was the best thing for me. Now mind you this was not a easy transition. I was getting paddled there a lot too. But in forth grade, in the spring. I remember that because the window was opened when I tried to throw the Nun out of it. I know that sounds bad but I snapped. You see I was left handed, I think they thought that was evil. Or maybe simply wanted perfect conformity. I could write so much faster with my left hand and clearer. But ever time, Mother Alice would see me writing with my left hand she would whack it good with a ruler. I was used to the whacks but something snapped that day. I don’t know if I was remembering the broomstick impacting across my shins. Or my aunt beating me with a switch from a rose bush. I had lots of people who hit me. But I snapped and lost control, she was almost out the window. Thank God she didn’t, it was three floors. I got in a couple of stupid fights at school like all boys do. But now one could beat me, not that I could beat them, but I never would give up. But it worked out good because my reputation followed me through high school. No one ever wanted to fight with me. I was excepted in all of the crowds in high school. I was a stoner with the heads, I was a jock with the jocks, I played all the sports. And by then I was a brain with the brains. I was one of the best debaters in the region. I had friends who I hung with, but I only made one real connection. And he is serving two life sentences. Now mind you I know hundreds of people and they know me. I don’t let many in I guess. Maybe I don’t let anyone in and that’s why I am unlovable. It was my senor year, when I met Faye and I think I was in love with her I don’t know being only 17. She was going to go in the air force. She wanted me to join to, but I knew I would have problems with authority there. I would spend the 4 years pealing potatoes and cleaning latrines. The whole idea would have never worked for me. So I was going to go make some money, get things situated for when she got out. I got in with the mobster type guys. They liked me and I did a great job. I will do anything for anyone to feel wanted. I did that my whole life. Go out of my way to please someone only to keep my walls in full guard. I think she thought it was really cool especially all the money I made. With in a year I had a house and everything to go with it. Mind you I am all of 18, hot car Shelby mustang, nice house and of course still pretty wild. Faye and I spend a couple of years going back and forth I got to see lots of different bases and the south. But after a couple of years of only seeing each other 3 or 4 times ended totally. She broke my heart she stopped loving me. I said to myself I would never love again. I didn’t even date till about 3 years later the sex I had was with some of the girls doing things at work. It was a wild and free time. That’s another story in its self. Sex became meaningless for me. I did it to just do it. I meant a nice beautiful girl who I hated at first. But learn to have a lot of love for and respect. We lived together for many years. I could not be in love. I didn’t want to get hurt I guess. But after many years she found someone to love her. That didn’t work out so well for her, and we remained friends until I finally truly fell in love. That devastated her; she was in love with me still. The last time I talked to her was when I told her I was having a baby with who became my wife. I pray that she and God can forgive me for being so insensitive. The funny thing is, that I happened in an instance. I knew from the minute I saw her I was going to marry her. To bad I showed no honor to our marriage. Best as I can figure is she was like me and the other girl. She had love for me but was not in love.

Her is the spiritual part now. Though I had many tough times at the catholic school, they planted a seed. They planted the knowledge of the love of Christ. The only one who will truly love me in the End? Well I was and am in love, but like always I have had my walls up I guess, even though she knows more about me than anyone. But in our marriage I got sick, and she stopped loving me. And now I have children who I love more than life itself. Who when I am with them tares my heart to pieces of what I have done to them. I am so ashamed to be around these beautiful children. I am fighting not to have this happen. I spend hours consumed by this happening. I am working so hard in counseling to fix this. It feels like my soul has been ripped out. I don’t know what to do. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t really know if it’s my soul that’s tore, or if it’s the brain injury I am recovering from. But what ever it is, it is consuming my soul. Praise be to God that through all of the devastation in my life. He has been working on me for about the last decade. He has finally freed my heart from all this pain and lies I have been caring around. I know he wants me to proclaim my peace that I have through him. And now finally for the first time in being a Pastor I am excited about the Lord. I get people excited about Jesus. But that is so easy when you compare what he gave compared to our self’s. I now slightly understand some of the pain. When everyone who said they love Jesus turned and denied they loved or even knew him. I feel that with my beloved ex. Just because they turned on Jesus he never stopped loving. And now I find I can’t stop loving, I am consumed with the fact that I cannot. I knew better, but hey it is so hard to fight Gods will, and when you let Him in He is in. I now realize the pain and joy of this. I even understand why my dad never came to see me now too. It was not that he did not want to some times. He was ashamed to, ashamed of what happened in my life. Thank God the kids have a strong mother.

God is opening doors, and with God I can make this work for his purpose. I have such a bourdon on my soul that the only peace I am finding, is helping. Proclaiming I am doing it in Jesus’ name. I need to get well and proclaim it to the world. The bible tells of stories of when families are lost, that the only relieve and peace from this agony is to go out to the world and rejoice his name and he promises peace. All the apostles did this and found the greatest peace even though all but 1 died a miserable death. But here is the key they did it in joy and willingly. I now realize how they did that. The world became so harsh it was the only was of peace. There is nothing like spreading love just to do it. I know I am unlovable, but praise God I can share his love. With out Him I am nothing, I realize that. And if I would have had him in my marriage I would not be so desperate in this world. But now I have nothing in this world that I can be of any value to. I think God makes some of us psycho for a reason. And all these year I never knew. I know could be a good family minister. But my own guilt of my failures we not let me be. As I get well, which should be in the next few months. God is training me right now, I am on fire for the Lord, he made that smack to the brain work for good in his purpose. I love the Lord so much and I know his promise to fulfill my happiness, I have lost the reason to be happy. And now my brain which is close to where its going to be here soon. For some reason it is has changed me. I no longer am going to fight to have someone love me. I cant, I have never won that fight. I fully submit, I give everything that was important to me for the lord. My ex will have everything in the end, she will need it for the kids. And I will help financially and give what love I can. Don’t think me sick, I can only feel one piece of how God gave his only son because he love us that much. That’s how much I love my family I will see them when I am strong, and it is so difficult, it tares me up for hours to days after I spend some time with them. I miss them all so much and finally I give it to God and He re puts what need to be back in my heart. You see its not them its me. I was not meant to be loved in this world, and with Jesus I can share the one true hope of Love. And like the apostles I need great retribution to find my peace. I will cry everyday for what I lost, but when I am serving Jesus give me the peace. I need to serve till I am so tired I cannot have the energy to regret. I know I need an extreme fix for an extreme thing going on in my life. I have no clue where it will go, I will let you all know. But when I first got brain damaged, I had thoughts of south America and Africa so maybe a mission or 2 is in my future. I am not afraid and would proudly proclaim that on Beautiful Name of Jesus Christ. He is my Lord, and I don’t ever want to lose him. He is all I have. I find this town where everything was a lie, my life, a family, and my destiny. I don’t know Gods will yet, but He makes it clear on how to get the peace and forgiveness. I will make him proud and in the end he promises my family will be proud. And when I finally reach my end I have the promise of everlasting love my wall will be gone and even if it wasn’t we will all love anyway. I hear that Queen song in my head all the time now, I need somebody to love, anybody to love. I so know what he meant. Praise God I have my Jesus to help me through this. So brothers and sisters pray for my recovery, and pray for Gods will in my life. He will let me know in no uncertainty what I will be doing. I know he says he’ll never give you more that you can handle, my heart being tore out. Grasping for air during my tears and regret. It is so hard to be this strength doing his work but I can do it, maybe he will bless that for my children too I so hope so. It is killing me. Pray for me everyone, pray for Gods will in my life, I know what I want is wrong, or not I pray for his will, please Lord give me strength to fulfill your will.

I have not exactly lost everything I have my 93-year-old Grandmother who cant remember my name all the time or what we talk about. And my, 21-year-old dog. There days are numbered and I will have lost every personal love I have ever known. But I have hundreds of brothers and sisters in Christ and His great commission. I have some hope to find peace. It just can’t happen quick enough, I am ready to serve you Lord, show me where you would have me be. I will go in joy, and of free will and I will share your wonders of love with the world till the day I die. I will see my life as what he desires of me, and I will do them and my family proud. Amen

A tale so sick, sex, movies, money, women and perversion beyond most peoples wildest imagination from 12 on in the family biz. There is nothing that can shock me and how God is using this to testify about His mercy and Love, how Gods ways are the right ways

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