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The Un Lovable Author: Anonymous
Relationships in life our a funny thing. Not that I know from experience, I have had one and messed it up. You start life out with you parents not wanting you. So at 6 months old you bounce from foster home to foster home. Later in life you have flashbacks of the abuse you received. Somehow for years you managed to take the blame. Then you end up with your grandparents who have every bourdon one could imagine. You grow up in extreme poverty. You are difficult and totally UN-Respectful out-of-control child. The one friend you truly like is Carol. Carol is the disabled child, a daughter of my grandmother’s friend. She and I were the same age 4ish. You and her grow up and go to the same school. You always got picked on because you were her friend. Then in second grade she dies from her disability. And soon afterwards you grandfather dies, which results in a life long of guilt because of you last thought when he died. The selfishness, of those last thoughts. You lie and deceive your grandmother into letting you do what ever you wanted. Now in third grade, but now one on picks on you. They are afraid of you. They see the principle putting you over a chair. They hear the sound of the holed paddle as it made contact with my butt. But never on tear, not even a scream. And the one fight I got in, I got my butt kicked but good. I kept coming at him,, I didn’t stop. I got in a few good licks too. You see he was the big bad kid on the playground. They never ever wanted a piece of me after that. Back to the weekly paddling from the principle. I think he actually stopped enjoying it. He wanted me gone, so I was permanently expelled. Now mind you I didn’t mind the paddling. I was used to it my step dad use to work me over good, with his belt and the back of his hand. Till my crippled grandfather, put a stop to that. But he died shortly after that. One of the few real loves I have ever had. After he died I really went wild. Colored hair eye ring now mind you this I the 70’s. I was a freak, but I soon mellowed out with all that. I started liking the idea of girls. The purple and pink hair did not go so well with their parents, I wised up quick.
After being kicked out of Longfellow elementary there was some talk about a reform school. But bless my grandma she gave me to the Nuns. As I look back that was the best thing for me. Now mind you this was not a easy transition. I was getting paddled there a lot too. But in forth grade, in the spring. I remember that because the window was opened when I tried to throw the Nun out of it. I know that sounds bad but I snapped. You see I was left handed, I think they thought that was evil. Or maybe simply wanted perfect conformity. I could write so much faster with my left hand and clearer. But ever time, Mother Alice would see me writing with my left hand she would whack it good with a ruler. I was used to the whacks but something snapped that day. I don’t know if I was remembering the broomstick impacting across my shins. Or my aunt beating me with a switch from a rose bush. I had lots of people who hit me. But I snapped and lost control, she was almost out the window. Thank God she didn’t, it was three floors. I got in a couple of stupid fights at school like all boys do. But now one could beat me, not that I could beat them, but I never would give up. But it worked out good because my reputation followed me through high school. No one ever wanted to fight with me. I was excepted in all of the crowds in high school. I was a stoner with the heads, I was a jock with the jocks, I played all the sports. And by then I was a brain with the brains. I was one of the best debaters in the region. I had friends who I hung with, but I only made one real connection. And he is serving two life sentences. Now mind you I know hundreds of people and they know me. I don’t let many in I guess. Maybe I don’t let anyone in and that’s why I am unlovable. It was my senor year, when I met Faye and I think I was in love with her I don’t know being only 17. She was going to go in the air force. She wanted me to join to, but I knew I would have problems with authority there. I would spend the 4 years pealing potatoes and cleaning latrines. The whole idea would have never worked for me. So I was going to go make some money, get things situated for when she got out. I got in with the mobster type guys. They liked me and I did a great job. I will do anything for anyone to feel wanted. I did that my whole life. Go out of my way to please someone only to keep my walls in full guard. I think she thought it was really cool especially all the money I made. With in a year I had a house and everything to go with it. Mind you I am all of 18, hot car Shelby mustang, nice house and of course still pretty wild. Faye and I spend a couple of years going back and forth I got to see lots of different bases and the south. But after a couple of years of only seeing each other 3 or 4 times ended totally. She broke my heart she stopped loving me. I said to myself I would never love again. I didn’t even date till about 3 years later the sex I had was with some of the girls doing things at work. It was a wild and free time. That’s another story in its self. Sex became meaningless for me. I did it to just do it. I meant a nice beautiful girl who I hated at first. But learn to have a lot of love for and respect. We lived together for many years. I could not be in love. I didn’t want to get hurt I guess. But after many years she found someone to love her. That didn’t work out so well for her, and we remained friends until I finally truly fell in love. That devastated her; she was in love with me still. The last time I talked to her was when I told her I was having a baby with who became my wife. I pray that she and God can forgive me for being so insensitive. The funny thing is, that I happened in an instance. I knew from the minute I saw her I was going to marry her. To bad I showed no honor to our marriage. Best as I can figure is she was like me and the other girl. She had love for me but was not in love.
Her is the spiritual part now. Though I had many tough times at the catholic school, they planted a seed. They planted the knowledge of the love of Christ. The only one who will truly love me in the End? Well I was and am in love, but like always I have had my walls up I guess, even though she knows more about me than anyone. But in our marriage I got sick, and she stopped loving me. And now I have children who I love more than life itself. Who when I am with them tares my heart to pieces of what I have done to them. I am so ashamed to be around these beautiful children. I am fighting not to have this happen. I spend hours consumed by this happening. I am working so hard in counseling to fix this. It feels like my soul has been ripped out. I don’t know what to do. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t really know if it’s my soul that’s tore, or if it’s the brain injury I am recovering from. But what ever it is, it is consuming my soul. Praise be to God that through all of the devastation in my life. He has been working on me for about the last decade. He has finally freed my heart from all this pain and lies I have been caring around. I know he wants me to proclaim my peace that I have through him. And now finally for the first time in being a Pastor I am excited about the Lord. I get people excited about Jesus. But that is so easy when you compare what he gave compared to our self’s. I now slightly understand some of the pain. When everyone who said they love Jesus turned and denied they loved or even knew him. I feel that with my beloved ex. Just because they turned on Jesus he never stopped loving. And now I find I can’t stop loving, I am consumed with the fact that I cannot. I knew better, but hey it is so hard to fight Gods will, and when you let Him in He is in. I now realize the pain and joy of this. I even understand why my dad never came to see me now too. It was not that he did not want to some times. He was ashamed to, ashamed of what happened in my life. Thank God the kids have a strong mother.
God is opening doors, and with God I can make this work for his purpose. I have such a bourdon on my soul that the only peace I am finding, is helping. Proclaiming I am doing it in Jesus’ name. I need to get well and proclaim it to the world. The bible tells of stories of when families are lost, that the only relieve and peace from this agony is to go out to the world and rejoice his name and he promises peace. All the apostles did this and found the greatest peace even though all but 1 died a miserable death. But here is the key they did it in joy and willingly. I now realize how they did that. The world became so harsh it was the only was of peace. There is nothing like spreading love just to do it. I know I am unlovable, but praise God I can share his love. With out Him I am nothing, I realize that. And if I would have had him in my marriage I would not be so desperate in this world. But now I have nothing in this world that I can be of any value to. I think God makes some of us psycho for a reason. And all these year I never knew. I know could be a good family minister. But my own guilt of my failures we not let me be. As I get well, which should be in the next few months. God is training me right now, I am on fire for the Lord, he made that smack to the brain work for good in his purpose. I love the Lord so much and I know his promise to fulfill my happiness, I have lost the reason to be happy. And now my brain which is close to where its going to be here soon. For some reason it is has changed me. I no longer am going to fight to have someone love me. I cant, I have never won that fight. I fully submit, I give everything that was important to me for the lord. My ex will have everything in the end, she will need it for the kids. And I will help financially and give what love I can. Don’t think me sick, I can only feel one piece of how God gave his only son because he love us that much. That’s how much I love my family I will see them when I am strong, and it is so difficult, it tares me up for hours to days after I spend some time with them. I miss them all so much and finally I give it to God and He re puts what need to be back in my heart. You see its not them its me. I was not meant to be loved in this world, and with Jesus I can share the one true hope of Love. And like the apostles I need great retribution to find my peace. I will cry everyday for what I lost, but when I am serving Jesus give me the peace. I need to serve till I am so tired I cannot have the energy to regret. I know I need an extreme fix for an extreme thing going on in my life. I have no clue where it will go, I will let you all know. But when I first got brain damaged, I had thoughts of south America and Africa so maybe a mission or 2 is in my future. I am not afraid and would proudly proclaim that on Beautiful Name of Jesus Christ. He is my Lord, and I don’t ever want to lose him. He is all I have. I find this town where everything was a lie, my life, a family, and my destiny. I don’t know Gods will yet, but He makes it clear on how to get the peace and forgiveness. I will make him proud and in the end he promises my family will be proud. And when I finally reach my end I have the promise of everlasting love my wall will be gone and even if it wasn’t we will all love anyway. I hear that Queen song in my head all the time now, I need somebody to love, anybody to love. I so know what he meant. Praise God I have my Jesus to help me through this. So brothers and sisters pray for my recovery, and pray for Gods will in my life. He will let me know in no uncertainty what I will be doing. I know he says he’ll never give you more that you can handle, my heart being tore out. Grasping for air during my tears and regret. It is so hard to be this strength doing his work but I can do it, maybe he will bless that for my children too I so hope so. It is killing me. Pray for me everyone, pray for Gods will in my life, I know what I want is wrong, or not I pray for his will, please Lord give me strength to fulfill your will.
I have not exactly lost everything I have my 93-year-old Grandmother who cant remember my name all the time or what we talk about. And my, 21-year-old dog. There days are numbered and I will have lost every personal love I have ever known. But I have hundreds of brothers and sisters in Christ and His great commission. I have some hope to find peace. It just can’t happen quick enough, I am ready to serve you Lord, show me where you would have me be. I will go in joy, and of free will and I will share your wonders of love with the world till the day I die. I will see my life as what he desires of me, and I will do them and my family proud. Amen |
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